Friday, June 28, 2013
What I sometimes can’t say
I want to know about you, all about you.
I want to know where you’ve been, who you’ve been with, and what you’ve done.
I want to know about your former and current lovers, because it informs me more about you.
I want to know all about you, because I am deeply and irrevocably interested in you.
I want to share things with you, I want to show you things.
I want to be part of you, and for you to be part of me.
I want us to always want to be together, and to know we need to be apart.
I want to connect with you, separate from you, and then reconnect in different ways.
I would like to relate to you, and have you relate to me.
...
And, I would like us to fuck like methed up monkeys.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Crepes and Cherries
So you made a simple fried rice and some hibachi style steak for dinner right? Only you used one of your two eggs for the rice, and you want to make some crepes and all the recipes call for like... more than one sad fucking egg, yeah? NOT TO WORRY!
Check this shit out...
So you take your one sad-ass egg and you leave it on the counter IN A BOWL! The hell’s wrong with you? Don’t just leave a naked egg on the counter. The salt will get all randy and want to hump it and eggs are notoriously easy when it comes to salt. If the salt bangs your egg, you are fucked vis a vis the crepes. Yeah, I speak all kinds of French. Point is, the egg needs to reach room temperature. You also need to melt some butter, about half a table spoon, so leave that out next to the egg. The butter will chaperone (more French) the egg and keep the salt in its place.
NOW! While that whole... THING is going on, you got those cherries we talked about right? The fresh cherries? The ones I told you to get? Yeah, those ones. Slice ‘em, cut ‘em, rip their pits out. You’ll need about a cup or so, maybe two. Hell do nine pounds if it gets you off. I don’t care, but I will warn you, the salt likes to watch. Now put them in a pan with some brandy, or rum, or something equally nice. If you use vodka I will hit you, a lot. Then add sugar, about half a cup of sugar to a cup of cherries. Now boil it. Not too high of heat, but you want it to boil. Some water might be needed, if you’re kind of bad at syrup and can’t make the hooch behave the way you want it to. You need a syrup of medium consistency.
Done? Yeah? You sure? Okay! The syrup needs to cool a bit, so just let it sit there. You don’t need to set anything on fire. It’s not that kind of dish.
So now comes the hard part. Put one quarter cup of water, one quarter cup of milk one third of a cup of regular all purpose flour into a blender. Add the egg and butter, then set the salt to one side, and put a tiny amount in your hand. Put the salt in the mix, but don’t let the egg know what you’ve done or it’ll think it’s been ruined for marriage and the butter will commit seppuku because butter takes the virtue of eggs seriously and you don’t need that shit. Hit the button and mix the ingredients. Now, I know I didn’t explicitly tell you to put the lid on the blender, but that’s because I assumed you could put those particular pieces together. Was my faith in you justified? Only time will tell.
Now comes the hard part. Put the blender pitcher in the fridge for about half an hour. During that time you can remake your syrup if you screwed it up, or give the salt a lecture on moral fortitude, or go out and buy the ice cream that you forgot is needed for this dish, or have sex if you're quick, or listen to an episode of The News Quiz. If sex takes too long, not to worry, you do no harm to the mixture, an hour or two is okay.
You got a nice smooth teflon pan, yeah? About eight to twelve inches across? Nothing fancy, just a normal, shallow, flat, smooth, teflon, pan. Medium high to high heat, depending on how gutsy you are. Okay, get some more butter. MOAR BUTTER! You can either melt this, or use it as a stick to lube up the pan, or you can stick it in your ear or eat it whole. Again, this ain’t my kitchen and I’m rarely as happy about that as I am right now. Lube the pan and pour some of the batter in there. Not too much, but we want to cover the bottom of the pan. Shake it around a little to get a good covering and when it begins to slide around on its own try to flip it over. If it splatters, or isn’t firm on top when you flip, you put in too much, use less next time. You just want the other side there for a few seconds, just to make sure it’s done. Then take it out and put it on the plate. Either the person with you can start the desert, or you can WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! This won’t take long, there is only enough batter for four crepes.
Put the crepe on a plate, then put a single spoonful of ice cream (We used cherry from Oberweis, but life probably sucks for you and you don’t have an Oberweis near you) and some of the cherry syrup on the crepe, before folding it into a sort of cute little cone shape. Now if you’re a greedy motherfucker, you can load the thing up with more ice cream, or put whipped cream on it, but this dish doesn’t need that. It needs just a bit of ice cream and a bit of cherry syrup. Don’t make me come for you all Liam Neeson style because you can’t be trusted with dessert.
So now you’ve made crepes with ice cream and cherry syrup, or you’ve made a damn mess. Either way, I am proud of the effort you’ve made, and Fancy is proud of you and Ringo is proud of you, but I can’t give you this briefcase because it doesn’t belong to me.
Check this shit out...
So you take your one sad-ass egg and you leave it on the counter IN A BOWL! The hell’s wrong with you? Don’t just leave a naked egg on the counter. The salt will get all randy and want to hump it and eggs are notoriously easy when it comes to salt. If the salt bangs your egg, you are fucked vis a vis the crepes. Yeah, I speak all kinds of French. Point is, the egg needs to reach room temperature. You also need to melt some butter, about half a table spoon, so leave that out next to the egg. The butter will chaperone (more French) the egg and keep the salt in its place.
NOW! While that whole... THING is going on, you got those cherries we talked about right? The fresh cherries? The ones I told you to get? Yeah, those ones. Slice ‘em, cut ‘em, rip their pits out. You’ll need about a cup or so, maybe two. Hell do nine pounds if it gets you off. I don’t care, but I will warn you, the salt likes to watch. Now put them in a pan with some brandy, or rum, or something equally nice. If you use vodka I will hit you, a lot. Then add sugar, about half a cup of sugar to a cup of cherries. Now boil it. Not too high of heat, but you want it to boil. Some water might be needed, if you’re kind of bad at syrup and can’t make the hooch behave the way you want it to. You need a syrup of medium consistency.
Done? Yeah? You sure? Okay! The syrup needs to cool a bit, so just let it sit there. You don’t need to set anything on fire. It’s not that kind of dish.
So now comes the hard part. Put one quarter cup of water, one quarter cup of milk one third of a cup of regular all purpose flour into a blender. Add the egg and butter, then set the salt to one side, and put a tiny amount in your hand. Put the salt in the mix, but don’t let the egg know what you’ve done or it’ll think it’s been ruined for marriage and the butter will commit seppuku because butter takes the virtue of eggs seriously and you don’t need that shit. Hit the button and mix the ingredients. Now, I know I didn’t explicitly tell you to put the lid on the blender, but that’s because I assumed you could put those particular pieces together. Was my faith in you justified? Only time will tell.
Now comes the hard part. Put the blender pitcher in the fridge for about half an hour. During that time you can remake your syrup if you screwed it up, or give the salt a lecture on moral fortitude, or go out and buy the ice cream that you forgot is needed for this dish, or have sex if you're quick, or listen to an episode of The News Quiz. If sex takes too long, not to worry, you do no harm to the mixture, an hour or two is okay.
You got a nice smooth teflon pan, yeah? About eight to twelve inches across? Nothing fancy, just a normal, shallow, flat, smooth, teflon, pan. Medium high to high heat, depending on how gutsy you are. Okay, get some more butter. MOAR BUTTER! You can either melt this, or use it as a stick to lube up the pan, or you can stick it in your ear or eat it whole. Again, this ain’t my kitchen and I’m rarely as happy about that as I am right now. Lube the pan and pour some of the batter in there. Not too much, but we want to cover the bottom of the pan. Shake it around a little to get a good covering and when it begins to slide around on its own try to flip it over. If it splatters, or isn’t firm on top when you flip, you put in too much, use less next time. You just want the other side there for a few seconds, just to make sure it’s done. Then take it out and put it on the plate. Either the person with you can start the desert, or you can WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! This won’t take long, there is only enough batter for four crepes.
Put the crepe on a plate, then put a single spoonful of ice cream (We used cherry from Oberweis, but life probably sucks for you and you don’t have an Oberweis near you) and some of the cherry syrup on the crepe, before folding it into a sort of cute little cone shape. Now if you’re a greedy motherfucker, you can load the thing up with more ice cream, or put whipped cream on it, but this dish doesn’t need that. It needs just a bit of ice cream and a bit of cherry syrup. Don’t make me come for you all Liam Neeson style because you can’t be trusted with dessert.
So now you’ve made crepes with ice cream and cherry syrup, or you’ve made a damn mess. Either way, I am proud of the effort you’ve made, and Fancy is proud of you and Ringo is proud of you, but I can’t give you this briefcase because it doesn’t belong to me.
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