Interesting Facts: Gamera

The 1965 movie Gamera and subsequent sequels are actually docudramas about a giant space borne turtle with rockets for flippers that invaded Japan in 1960. Gamera became a friend to all children and to make up for his initial destruction of Tokyo agreed to star in the movies based on his life, giving his fee to a charity set up to the victims of Kaiju attacks.

Kaiju is a bigger problem in Asia than North America or Europe, though neither of these continents has been entirely free of them. South America and Africa often have attacks of giant monsters though. They are frequently forced to combat monsters that look a lot like giant men in rubber suits. Interestingly, Godzilla actually is a giant who insists on wearing a massive rubber suit when destroying countries.



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New Cocktail: Scarlet Joy Martini (A Drink For Pretentious Tossers)

Oh, didn’t you know about this one? Well, I suppose you wouldn’t. It’s very new, and of course very in at all the most exclusive places. Still, I suppose I could see my way to letting you in on the secret of how to make one. Is it clear that we invented this drink just outside of Portland in 2005? Is it also clear to you that they still serve it to this day and it is quickly becoming known as a Portland Martini? Yeah, the hipsters never got the joke. This is not actually a martini, it contains exactly nothing that would make a martini. That was what Cecilia demanded when we invented it. We also decided on the formula, two things they’ve heard of, one thing that’s obscure*.

Cecilia was a beautiful girl, and an incredibly talented photographer. Something of a hipster herself, she always had distain for the hipsters we had to deal with. In fact, she said she was an Uber-Hipster because she was a hipster before it was cool and her distain for the others meant she was in the 1% of hipsterdom. You can see why the relationship only lasted two months, can’t you?


4 ounce Absolut Vodka
4 ounce Pavan Liqueur Or some other Orange Liqueur. (But if you’re not going to go for the really obscure stuff, why bother?)
½ ounce Raspberry Syrup
4 ounces Pom Wonderful pomegranate juice


You want to just swirl the raspberry syrup around the ice, so put that in the shaker with a handful of ice. Rattle it around for a while and then strain off the excess, if any.
After that it done, put the juice and hooch into the shaker and shake the dickens out of it. You’re doing this because it would be an insult to a good martini to shake it.

Now here is where Cecilia started breaking my heart. See, she insisted on a martini glass because otherwise, she argued, how would people know it’s supposed to be a martini. She argued that the hipsters would call bourbon, sugar, and bitters a martini if you served it in a martini glass. I on the other hand, argued that all you had to do was tell them it was a martini. I later proved this by giving a hipster an old fashioned in an old fashioned glass and convinced him it was a martini by no greater magic than asking him if the martini tasted right to him. He said it was a pretty good martini, but the bartender had used a cheap scotch, despite the fact that it was the traditional bourbon.

So I say, go whole hog. The point is that there is nothing here that you would actually find in a martini. As such, go with a short highball glass. You’ll note I went with a rather cheap glass. Because going with a nice one would give the impression that you cared. Which, like, you totally don’t. As if. Anyway! Garnish with a maraschino cherry and wonder to yourself, perhaps aloud in a sarcastic tone, why you put up with these people.


Note: This recipe makes two drinks, because whoever orders one invariably wants to force one on someone else as well.


*I wouldn’t have had the pomegranate juice if it weren’t for the formula. I would have gone for alum or something like that. If you replace the vodka with gin, and the orange liqueur with vermouth, you can make a respectable sweet martini out of this. The pomegranate juice needs to be cut in half, or swirled with the ice, but otherwise it’s not bad.

Interesting Facts: Axe Murderers

The average axe murderer kills 19.7 people over the length of their career, but only kills 5.543 of those with an axe. Only 43% of all axe murderers actually wear a mask or try to conceal their identity in some way. Most are not even mute, but like to sing show tunes while they hack people to death with the axe.

Most axes used by axe murderers are traditional steel, single bladed axes with wood handles and are normally sold by hardware stores with the intention of splitting wood. When asked about newer composite handles, most admit that while the light weight and greater strength might be an advantage, one can’t compare with the classic feel a good strong oak handle gives.



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New Cocktails: Shining Citrus

A relatively simple drink, easy to make for large groups. It might be suitable for a wedding, but that would depend on your view. I invented it for a wedding back in ’98, sadly the groom was the son of a powerful... this isn’t important. We got to drink the thing, that’s the important part. The bullets didn’t start flying until after they’d cut the cake. And the young couple got away, that’s probably important. I had some hand in that, but unlike some people I don’t doubt the prophecy just because I helped bring it about.

3 ounces Grand Marnier
A pinch each of Edible Gold and Edible Silver flakes.
½ ounce simple syrup
Top up champagne or sparkling white wine.

As this is really something you need to tell someone else to make for you.
They need to start an hour ahead of time, putting the cognac and champagne in the freezer to make them both as cold as Valley Forge. You want them to Sprinkle a pinch of gold and silver into each champagne flute, which should be properly chilled ahead of time as well. Once all is ready, they’ll need to put the three ponies of cognac into each glass and then top up with the champagne.

If you’re feeling frisky, why not put a sugar pearl in with the silver and gold. Those of you in the advance class, might wish to lace the pearls with acid, but watch out for grandma if you do it at a wedding. Grandma is notoriously hard to deal with when she’s twisted on sunshine.

Etiquette: Seduction of a Spy

When a young lady enters the espionage field, she may often be asked to do things that would be considered indelicate in polite society. She may even be asked to use her attractive form to seduce unwary men in order to get them to betray government secrets to her. She may even need to lead him to his own certain death in order to fulfill her service contract.

The most important thing to remember is to form a personal detachment. One simply cannot allow oneself to be seduced into betraying one’s own superiors when one was supposed to be doing the betraying. It’s bad form to actually form attachment to one’s target and falling in love is simply not done. It would be incredibly rude to fall in love with a person and still get them to steal state secrets and eventually shoot them when their usefulness has ended. Instead, one must always remember to avoid personal feelings for one’s target.

Training the subject is of course a must. One’s target must understand that there is punishment for displeasure and reward for pleasing you. Consider it like training a dog, only with less actual love. Useful information must always be rewarded, at least with kind words and a smile. Materials, which are more difficult to acquire, demand more gratification. This usually will mean sexual congress in some form. Colitis will require you to fake an impressive orgasm while hand jobs simply require tissues. Always remember to scale the sexual activity to the materials brought to you.

When the time comes to put one’s target down, don’t draw it out. A single bullet, fired at pointblank range behind the left ear directly into the brain will kill them without any fuss. Avoid dramatic gestures, never explain your plan, and if possible don’t let them see it coming. The quick kill is always preferred and will be appreciated.



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Tales I tell: Not the Hat

Did I ever tell you about the time I nearly shot the Queen of England? Not that I wanted to kill Queen Liz Two (Liz Harder) but what can I say, I was broke and they offered cash.

Now, I could have splattered Liz Harder’s brains all over Philip, which to be honest, was my plan at the time. The problem was, Liz Harder had this really ROCKIN’ hat. I mean, it was an A-Mazing hat. I came, just looking at the hat, the memory of this hat is giving me a stiffy right now. I couldn’t ruin that hat. NOT THAT HAT! So… I decided not to shoot her.

I didn’t get the money, and MI-5 still wants to have a long and drawn out conversation with me. Fortunately though, I was going about with a different name and identity at the time, and this was of course before that whole national manhunt because of the stolen plutonium thing. My point is that I got away in the end, but the people who asked me to kill her are rather miffed. The thing is, you wouldn’t thing a consortium of organic biscuit makers would…huh, he does make organic biscuits, doesn’t he?