New Cocktails: Sparkfrost

Sparkfrost is a person, and as such, we had to produce it with her in mind. Originally, this drink had absinthe in it, but the anise flavor over took all the other flavors and the drink ended up so strong that it knocked people over just on the way from the bar to the table. One T-Totaller simply looked at a glass that had once contained the drink and became a raging alcoholic as a result. At least, that’s what he claimed in his lawsuit. You can add an equal amount of absinthe to the party if you want an authentic experience. We tend to go with La Fée but most anything good will do.

This is a drink to be served as cold as cold can be, to produce the proper amount of frost. The menu says it’s “A cold, but sparkling drink, it refreshes and surprises the drinker.” which is odd, because we don’t actually have menus in this place, just a black board where the names are written down. This recipe actually makes two drinks, because I only drink it with the real Sparkfrost.

4 measures Irish Whiskey (preferably a blended Bushmills)
4 measures white brandy (preferably Christian Brothers Frost)
1 measure Sour Mix
2 measure tonic water



Place a martini glass and the bottles of booze into in the freezer for a few hours before making this drink. It is important that all parts of the drink be as cold as possible. Remember, that sour mix and water will freeze solid, so keep that in the fridge. Put all into a Shaker with lots of ice. With a bar spoon, stir seven times clockwise and then strain into the frozen martini glasses.

New Cocktails: Premature Ejaculation

An adaptation of one of the two Screaming Orgasm recipes I found. I think the name explains what you're going to get here. A drink for women who need to think about the guy they’re considering going to bed with.


1 measure Vodka
1 ½ measures Irish Cream
½ measure Coffee Liqueur
1 measure Amaretto
½ measure milk
½ measure cream
6 measures tonic water.

Blend all but the soda with ice. Strain into disappointingly small glass and add soda to fill the glass completely. Watch as the drink foams over and spills onto the bar before you get to enjoy any of it. Contemplate the truth within this drink, consider your partner and try to choose better next time.

New Cocktails: Fortune and Glory

Does anyone over the age of 30 actually believe in that whole “One Last Job” myth anymore? I did once, and as a celebration of that One Last Job, (the one in Munich not the one in Peru or the one in Lyon or the one in Madrid) that I did with Elsa and Josephine. But there is never truly “One Last Job” in this business. That’s the most important thing to remember. Because if you can keep going in this business and not get burned or killed, then someone is going to ask you to go in for that score that you just can’t refuse.

Still though, this is a great little number to drink after you’ve gotten to the end of a big job. Once you’ve got the 270 million in bonds, or the hard drives, or the Rembrandt, or whatever it was that we were getting in Peru... I honestly never knew what was in that case but the Israelis REALLY wanted it pretty bad.

1 Measure Goldschlager
1 Measure Krug Clos Du Mesnil 1998
1 Measure Peppered Vodka You can get Absolute Peppar if you must, but really it’s best to do these things yourself.


Place all in a mixing glass, stir twice (and only twice) with a Bar Spoon, pour into Cocktail Glass. =

New Cocktails: Samurai Girl

Do you know why this cocktail exists? Satire. Someone asked me why I have no “Japan-themed” cocktails, since I love samurai movies so much. So I came up with this adaptation of a frozen margarita on the spot. The worst part is, it’s actually a decent drink. The reason it’s a Samurai Girl is twofold. One, the sweetness marks it out as a girl drink. Two, I had just got done watching Azumi and decided that was as good a thing as any to nail this drink to the wall.


2 parts Sake You don’t need high quality stuff, but you should get something with a + Value
2 parts Tequila
1 part Irish Cream
1 cup Frozen Strawberries
1 cup Orange Juice
1 cup Crushed Ice


First, remember to be sensitive when dealing with other people’s cultures. Second, as you’re probably already drunk when you make this, forget what I just said. Be as stereotypical as possible. If that means strapping on a six gun and donning a ten gallon hat, so be it. This is no time to be a decent human being. Put everything into a blender that you use for no other purpose besides mixing cocktails. Explain in a loud voice that if you used it for anything else you would dishonor yourself and have to commit to Harry Kerry, whoever he is. Probably some drunken Irishman, amirite? Anyway, whip the contents until smooth. Serve in a margarita glass and garnish with a cherry skewered on a mini samurai sword to show the full range of your cultural sensitivity.

New Cocktails: It Sure Does Burn

It’s an odd thing, gaining a reputation in the international underworld community as a great bartender. Anyone can put a bullet in a public leader, or garrote a troublesome witness, but knowing how to make a good Mai Tai is something akin to magic. It can get you out of a lot of trouble, if people know about your skills. No one wants to kill a mixologist, or a cook. You can read a book, or listen to an mp3 player, or watch a dirty movie on your phone, all the other old skills have been taken over by technology. People sitting around an old barn outside Belgrade waiting for their contact need to eat and they need to drink. Even if you’ve betrayed people in the past, all can be forgiven when you take what had been thought of as meager supplies and deliver a tasty meal. If you can also mix the local paint thinner with whatever other liquids are at hand and produce something that doesn’t make people despair of life with the first sip, you will be like a protected species.

So I was in that barn outside Belgrade, and OF COURSE I’d hidden the money away. If I’d given it to that lot they’d just have spent it on the thug equivalent of sweets and comic books. No, far better it stay in my hands, I think we can all agree on that. The thing is, the guys I was working with had these... ideas about people not sharing out the wealth. Fortunately, I knew about this ahead of time. While we waited I made them up this little cocktail and got them to drink it.

1 measure vodka
1 measure Benzine
1 measure Gin
1 measure Hydrogen Peroxide
1 measure Ronsonol Lighter Fluid

Place a glass pitcher no metal or plastic please, onto the bar. Pour each ingredient into the glass carefully and put in the refrigerator. It’s best if no one actually sees you mixing this, because if they knew what you were up to they’d kill you. And considering what you’re up to, they have a point.

Stir with a wooden spoon, to avoid any possible corrosion. You’re dealing with some nasty stuff, after all.

Now, when it comes to service you probably will only have access to some kind of bar glasses but really you want martini glasses if you can get them. Pour the concoction into the chilled glasses, and stir with a peppermint stick three times counter clockwise.

Now, it’s at this point that you get a little unconventional. Wait for everyone to have a sip. If you’ve mixed right, it will be unpleasant for them, but they won’t actually notice that you’ve poisoned them. You take out the pencil torch you’ve been keeping in your pocket and light yours up. It’s at this point you hurl the rest of the pitcher’s contents at your befuddled former compatriots. The whole thing should go up quite magnificently and they may spill some of their own drinks and that’ll add to the blaze. It’s at this point that you grab the pistol under the bar and start shooting. Now I used a Walther P99 but anything with a reasonable magazine capacity can be brought to the party. Remember, you are double crossing armed thugs who have killed many times, now is not the time to pretend you never miss or that a Baby Browning .25 is as good as a Glock 9mm.

New Cocktails: Spaghetti Western

Gonna be square with you, there is no interesting story to how this one came about. I was sitting on the Drax Space Station with Commandette Debbie, and you can only bang so often before “We be doin’ it in zero G” looses it’s novelty (14 times, in case you’re wondering) and you just settle in for some old Spaghetti Westerns which you can watch because all the movies were being fired into that satellite we’d “appropriated” for the purposes of aiming a laser guided bomb into... well you heard all about that I’m sure. Anyway, there was a faux gravity bar, spinning Babylon 5 style up there. As we were watching the movies, I made this cocktail inspired by the viewing material. After we blew up the station and landed back on Earth, she asked me to make her another drink and as I was dealing with that whole plot convenient amnesia thing and could only remember that one drink, I perfected it while we waited for rescue from Borneo.

2 parts Tequila
1 part Lime Juice
1 part Rum
1 part Limoncello

Put ice in a glass and build cocktail with lime juice, limoncello, rum and then tequila. Serve with Mexican/Italian fusion dishes.

New Cocktail: Scarlet Joy Martini (A Drink For Pretentious Tossers)

Oh, didn’t you know about this one? Well, I suppose you wouldn’t. It’s very new, and of course very in at all the most exclusive places. Still, I suppose I could see my way to letting you in on the secret of how to make one. Is it clear that we invented this drink just outside of Portland in 2005? Is it also clear to you that they still serve it to this day and it is quickly becoming known as a Portland Martini? Yeah, the hipsters never got the joke. This is not actually a martini, it contains exactly nothing that would make a martini. That was what Cecilia demanded when we invented it. We also decided on the formula, two things they’ve heard of, one thing that’s obscure*.

Cecilia was a beautiful girl, and an incredibly talented photographer. Something of a hipster herself, she always had distain for the hipsters we had to deal with. In fact, she said she was an Uber-Hipster because she was a hipster before it was cool and her distain for the others meant she was in the 1% of hipsterdom. You can see why the relationship only lasted two months, can’t you?


4 ounce Absolut Vodka
4 ounce Pavan Liqueur Or some other Orange Liqueur. (But if you’re not going to go for the really obscure stuff, why bother?)
½ ounce Raspberry Syrup
4 ounces Pom Wonderful pomegranate juice


You want to just swirl the raspberry syrup around the ice, so put that in the shaker with a handful of ice. Rattle it around for a while and then strain off the excess, if any.
After that it done, put the juice and hooch into the shaker and shake the dickens out of it. You’re doing this because it would be an insult to a good martini to shake it.

Now here is where Cecilia started breaking my heart. See, she insisted on a martini glass because otherwise, she argued, how would people know it’s supposed to be a martini. She argued that the hipsters would call bourbon, sugar, and bitters a martini if you served it in a martini glass. I on the other hand, argued that all you had to do was tell them it was a martini. I later proved this by giving a hipster an old fashioned in an old fashioned glass and convinced him it was a martini by no greater magic than asking him if the martini tasted right to him. He said it was a pretty good martini, but the bartender had used a cheap scotch, despite the fact that it was the traditional bourbon.

So I say, go whole hog. The point is that there is nothing here that you would actually find in a martini. As such, go with a short highball glass. You’ll note I went with a rather cheap glass. Because going with a nice one would give the impression that you cared. Which, like, you totally don’t. As if. Anyway! Garnish with a maraschino cherry and wonder to yourself, perhaps aloud in a sarcastic tone, why you put up with these people.


Note: This recipe makes two drinks, because whoever orders one invariably wants to force one on someone else as well.


*I wouldn’t have had the pomegranate juice if it weren’t for the formula. I would have gone for alum or something like that. If you replace the vodka with gin, and the orange liqueur with vermouth, you can make a respectable sweet martini out of this. The pomegranate juice needs to be cut in half, or swirled with the ice, but otherwise it’s not bad.

New Cocktails: Shining Citrus

A relatively simple drink, easy to make for large groups. It might be suitable for a wedding, but that would depend on your view. I invented it for a wedding back in ’98, sadly the groom was the son of a powerful... this isn’t important. We got to drink the thing, that’s the important part. The bullets didn’t start flying until after they’d cut the cake. And the young couple got away, that’s probably important. I had some hand in that, but unlike some people I don’t doubt the prophecy just because I helped bring it about.

3 ounces Grand Marnier
A pinch each of Edible Gold and Edible Silver flakes.
½ ounce simple syrup
Top up champagne or sparkling white wine.

As this is really something you need to tell someone else to make for you.
They need to start an hour ahead of time, putting the cognac and champagne in the freezer to make them both as cold as Valley Forge. You want them to Sprinkle a pinch of gold and silver into each champagne flute, which should be properly chilled ahead of time as well. Once all is ready, they’ll need to put the three ponies of cognac into each glass and then top up with the champagne.

If you’re feeling frisky, why not put a sugar pearl in with the silver and gold. Those of you in the advance class, might wish to lace the pearls with acid, but watch out for grandma if you do it at a wedding. Grandma is notoriously hard to deal with when she’s twisted on sunshine.

New Cocktails: Red Fizz

A fizzy red drink, for the sort of person who wants their red drink to be fizzy!

I believe I invented this drink on a long weekend in Las Vegas with a man driving a convertible he called “The Red Shark” along with his drugged out companion. I say I believe that’s when I invented it. Actually, I invented it in a lab, while be subjected to mind controlling substances while a secret government agency was trying to indoctrinate me into their MKUltra like program. The result was a failure of course, because the mice and I formed a cabal of our own and over threw the place. I never found out what eventually became of those mice, I hope they’re okay.

2 Measures Raspberry Brandy
1 Measure Spiced Rum
3 measures Cherry Juice
Top up Tonic Water

Pour all, save the tonic water, into a into a tall glass. Stir with a bar spoon ad ice and pour in tonic water.

New Cocktails: Good Fairy

A good fairy, rather than just a green one.

I invented this cocktail while staying in England with a pair of Parisian girls. It would be inaccurate to say I was “with” them exactly, but it wouldn’t be correct to say that nothing went on between the three of us. We were there for reasons beyond simply enjoying ourselves though, you might have read about the diamonds going missing. The largest Diamond Heist in English history tends to get noticed. I was annoyed, to say the least, because I don’t like my exploits to make the papers and that one did. However, as I was never officially implicated, I can discuss the matter now.

None of that is important, what is important was that I invented this little drink as something to pass the time between waiting in that farmhouse for The Greek to arrive and actually going into action. It’s a strong little drink, but then, they were strong girls.

2 measures Absinthe
2 measures Blue Curaçao
1 measure White rum
1 measure Orange juice

Put all in a cocktail mixing glass with ice. Stir with a novelty swizzle stick. strain into a champagne glass and serve. Be careful though, you may find yourself on the run from Interpol by the end of the night.