New Cocktails: It Sure Does Burn

It’s an odd thing, gaining a reputation in the international underworld community as a great bartender. Anyone can put a bullet in a public leader, or garrote a troublesome witness, but knowing how to make a good Mai Tai is something akin to magic. It can get you out of a lot of trouble, if people know about your skills. No one wants to kill a mixologist, or a cook. You can read a book, or listen to an mp3 player, or watch a dirty movie on your phone, all the other old skills have been taken over by technology. People sitting around an old barn outside Belgrade waiting for their contact need to eat and they need to drink. Even if you’ve betrayed people in the past, all can be forgiven when you take what had been thought of as meager supplies and deliver a tasty meal. If you can also mix the local paint thinner with whatever other liquids are at hand and produce something that doesn’t make people despair of life with the first sip, you will be like a protected species.

So I was in that barn outside Belgrade, and OF COURSE I’d hidden the money away. If I’d given it to that lot they’d just have spent it on the thug equivalent of sweets and comic books. No, far better it stay in my hands, I think we can all agree on that. The thing is, the guys I was working with had these... ideas about people not sharing out the wealth. Fortunately, I knew about this ahead of time. While we waited I made them up this little cocktail and got them to drink it.

1 measure vodka
1 measure Benzine
1 measure Gin
1 measure Hydrogen Peroxide
1 measure Ronsonol Lighter Fluid

Place a glass pitcher no metal or plastic please, onto the bar. Pour each ingredient into the glass carefully and put in the refrigerator. It’s best if no one actually sees you mixing this, because if they knew what you were up to they’d kill you. And considering what you’re up to, they have a point.

Stir with a wooden spoon, to avoid any possible corrosion. You’re dealing with some nasty stuff, after all.

Now, when it comes to service you probably will only have access to some kind of bar glasses but really you want martini glasses if you can get them. Pour the concoction into the chilled glasses, and stir with a peppermint stick three times counter clockwise.

Now, it’s at this point that you get a little unconventional. Wait for everyone to have a sip. If you’ve mixed right, it will be unpleasant for them, but they won’t actually notice that you’ve poisoned them. You take out the pencil torch you’ve been keeping in your pocket and light yours up. It’s at this point you hurl the rest of the pitcher’s contents at your befuddled former compatriots. The whole thing should go up quite magnificently and they may spill some of their own drinks and that’ll add to the blaze. It’s at this point that you grab the pistol under the bar and start shooting. Now I used a Walther P99 but anything with a reasonable magazine capacity can be brought to the party. Remember, you are double crossing armed thugs who have killed many times, now is not the time to pretend you never miss or that a Baby Browning .25 is as good as a Glock 9mm.