Light Bulb

Thomas Edison did not actually invent the light bulb. What Edison actually discovered was a new method for stealing inventions from college students. Sadly he got away with it as the youth of America had no way to fight back, being deprived the advantage of inventive revenge. Wacky schemes and the all important rock montage would not be developed until the late 70s and would not become widespread until the Teen Movie explosion of 1981.

While light bulbs are plugged into electrical outlets, they actually run on fairy magic. The fairies make the filament glow while sucking electricity through a straw. The Electricity is just a front from the powerful “Keep Magic Secret” lobby.

The light bulb is probably a Chinese Invention, everything else seems to be.

New Cocktails: Coping Mechanism

When one is wiping out a group of people, one must follow a few simple rules. Remember that it must be stopped once a week as it is considered impolite to commit genocide on a Tuesday. It is also important to remember to keep a cyanide capsule at all times because no one wants to be caught murdering an entire group of human beings.

Always when deciding on the group to be eliminated, always use age-old methods. Never pick a group based on musical tastes, or style of clothing. These things are transitory and will often make you look like a cranky wanker rather than a monster bent on destruction. Religion and ethnic background are the most popular methods for selection, however it is not unheard of to choose a group based on medical conditions or political affiliation. The reasons for selection aren’t terribly important, so long as they sound either insane or amazingly petty to outsiders. The idea is to look like a complete douche when put on trial for crimes against humanity.

When one has selected a group, means and methods are up to the individual, however some things are now considered bad taste. Rubbing one’s genitals, buttocks, or the tangled guts of fallen foes against the sacred places of those fallen is strictly out of bounds. Likewise, phrases like “Ethnic Cleansing” and “Special Treatment” are no longer in fashion. One must now use phrases like “Riding the Chicken” and “Swatting the Monkey” in their place.




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The Australian Barn Owl

The Australian Barn Owl neither is neither an owl nor a denizen of barns. It's actually a small apple like fruit. The Australians credit the name as "Something to screw with the English, ya know?" It should also be noted that it comes from New Zealand.




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If You Don’t Know What a Libertine is, I Won’t Have Sex With You… Apparently

I don’t know why, but it sounds shallow to say that I didn’t sleep with someone because she didn’t know what the term Libertine meant. I feel it's snobbish, somehow, to set your standard on a single word. However, looking back on the situation... yeah that’s totally why we didn’t bang.

See, I met her through a mutual friend. Now he had some specific things to say about her, because he was kind of a tight-assed misogynist who I think was probably struggling with some issues regarding his own sexuality. That’s neither here nor there, but it’s important to understand that he said she was a slut who’d fuck boys or girls because she didn’t care and she was a slut. Yes, he started and ended the sentence with the slut declaration. Now, if you know me, you know where this is going. I had to meet this person. If this guy I knew was going into full granny pearl clutching mode, I had to meet the person who was causing those pearls to be clutched.

And she was... really good looking. I mean, really cute and had the sort of body that makes a guy in his mid-twenties sit up and take notice. And she had... a habit. She would laugh and lean against whoever was nearest and press herself against them and press her cheek next to theirs and laugh and it was MUTHAFUCKIN’ enticing. She had a certain sexual aggression, which I like, and a confidence of self which I’m also a fan of. Her stated preferences, sexual and otherwise, put check marks in a lot of boxes for me. I'm way into sluts is what I'm saying.

One of the first conversations we had, she was driving and either I mentioned that he had told me about her or she had asked if he had. I can’t remember and I don’t intend to go into the fine details of the memory palace to find out. I could, but what the fuck is the point? The important part of this story is that I admitted he had indeed mentioned her to me.

“He said you were something of a modern day libertine.” I said, she said she studied poetry and literature, so I figured that little softball would be good.

“What does that mean?” She asked, which I judged to be a decent question, because that statement could go multiple ways.

“Well, I’ll admit, those weren’t his exact words. I’m not sure he knows what a libertine is.”

“Well, I don’t know what that is.” she admitted, and I kind of deflated a little.

“He intimated that you were a sexually free individual.” I said, because I had all these two cent words, I’d already paid for them, fuck if they were going to rest on the goddamn shelf!

“Did he call me a slut?” She asked.

“Yeah, that was closer to his terminology.” I said. “And he said you didn’t make distinctions between genders.”

“I’m bi if that’s what he means.”

And that was the first problem, there were others, but that was a problem. I mean... I mean... I mean I’m sitting here on the bench, I’m sitting here on the not getting Altoid blowjobs bench, because she doesn’t know what a libertine is. And do not think for one moment that was her idea, because telling me she had Altoids and mentioning how amazing they made her blowjobs was very much her idea. Her ideas had to do with me getting peppermint blowjobs as a starter. Then we’d go over to a friend and she would show me exactly how bi she could be.

Looking back as I am now, I should have been all over that. She was hot, into me, and while trying to court me explained that she had absolutely zero limits if only I would make suggestions. She enjoyed the sort of music I liked, she enjoyed the kind of sexual shenanigans I enjoy. And there was no good reason to avoid this, besides having a slight, niggling feeling that to bang her would be a violation of Rule #2, which I knew better than to ignore. Her habit of sliding her hand down the front of my shirt to run her fingers through my chest hair could have overcome that though, I’m pretty sure.

But she didn’t know what was meant by the term “libertine” and a apparently, that’s my Rubicon. Or my Durin’s Bridge if you are of a geekier mindset. Instead, we did nothing. There is more than the one word, she had a certain level of incuriosity about the world. She just wasn't someone I could stoop down to mentally and she wasn't up to climbing my mental tree. As a result, I never laid an indecent hand on her (my right, if you're keeping track) , or even kissed her, because she missed out on basic terms. Had she known what the term meant, I could have been – it’s unsavory to say what (or where) I could have been, frankly.

So the moral of this story, and there is one, is that frogs should never give rides to scorpions. Or something. I don't know, do what you want.

Interesting Facts: Blue Whales

The Blue Whale is actually the smallest of all cetaceans. The reason people think it’s the largest is due to it having hired a Washington D.C. public relations firm to look after its image. It is also the least trustworthy of whales, prone to lying and blaming others for its problems. In many ways, the Blue Whale is entirely to blame for the Credit Crunch of 2008.




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Assassination Etiquette

When one has been hired by a discerning gentleman, to remove another gentleman for various reasons, one must abide by the highest of standards. It matters not that the risk of capture raises or the difficulty of the kill becomes increased. If one does not wish to deal with certain issues, one should not become a “Personal Removal Expert” and simply retain the title of “Thug what kills people for money” which can hardly even be called a job much less a profession. If one desires pay and respectability, one must adhere to professional codes of conduct.

Introduction to Client
One must always meet prospective clients in the most discrete and secure locations possible. Never show off, boast or otherwise make a spectacle of oneself. One must always retain a sense of dignity that comes from being able to kill everyone in the room. The client must always feel that you are the most dangerous thing within fifty miles, and that all other things are submissive to you. It is important to radiate a sanguine and calm nature to the client, while making sure they understand that when they come to you, the job will be performed to their exacting specifications.

While one may wish to ask for money upfront, one should only take clients who can offer assurance of being able to afford one’s special services. The unspoken risk of penalty for non-payment will make sure the client pays on time. Always make sure to understand the exact target. One simply does not have group rates, only single persons or possibly husband and wife teams if extra money is provided. Always make sure to exactly outline the specifics of the job before you commence, including under what circumstances each will consider the job completed and when you will be paid. Under no circumstances however, should one ever explain their methods to the client. All the client ever needs to know is that the job will be completed within the specified time.


Investigating the Target
One must deeply investigate the target for removal carefully. One should never refer to this step as “stalking” as stalking is something a “Thug what kills people for money” does. This is simply researching the target carefully to find the best moment to efficiently remove the subject from the population. Learn every facet of the target’s life and habits. If possible, get to know the target intimately in order to fully understand them.

A well-laid plan is essential. One must pick a time and place to eliminate the target with as little fuss as possible. Choosing the proper tool is just as important and should be an integral part of the planning stage. Method and means are just as important as time and place. Choose a tool that fits the subject, and always make sure the method is well thought out. Careful planning is the key to everything.

Outside Assistance
Optimally, the number of accomplices should be kept to a minimum. However, one might need to procure weapons, papers, vehicles or entry into important places. When these cannot be procured on one’s own, one may find it necessary to work with others. When this happens, always keep information to a minimal. Never allow anyone to know anything besides the exact technical specifications of what one needs.

Prices should always be agreed upon in advance and no matter what changes might have to be made, they should always be honored. A true professional will also hand over any plans and scrap material when the job is finished. Payment must of course be made either in cash or through a known agent or bank. Never deal with unknown moneychangers.

Removing the Target
While one may need to eliminate members of security or other staff, unless forced by circumstance, killing staff is beneath the true professional. Such showboating as walking through the front door and taking out an entire security retinue is strictly gauche. One must always pick a time and place where the target is either unguarded or otherwise vulnerable to delivery. It serves no purpose to engage an entrenched entourage head on when slipping in the back can work just as well. Remember, no one is paying you for the staff.

When eliminating a target, one must make sure to provide as clean and neat a service as possible. One must remember the phrase “die young and leave a beautiful corpse” and apply it to the target. There is no reason to leave gallons of blood, exposed organs, or any remains that would make an open casket funeral an unwise prospect. Leave as small a mark on the body, or make a small wound that would be covered by a suit. One should always make sure to leave a small calling card, so as to let people know that a true professional has performed this act.




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Etiquette: Committing genocide

When one is wiping out a group of people, one must follow a few simple rules. Remember that it must be stopped once a week as it is considered impolite to commit genocide on a Tuesday. It is also important to remember to keep a cyanide capsule at all times because no one wants to be caught murdering an entire group of human beings.

Always when deciding on the group to be eliminated, always use age-old methods. Never pick a group based on musical tastes, or style of clothing. These things are transitory and will often make you look like a cranky wanker rather than a monster bent on destruction. Religion and ethnic background are the most popular methods for selection, however it is not unheard of to choose a group based on medical conditions or political affiliation. The reasons for selection aren’t terribly important, so long as they sound either insane or amazingly petty to outsiders. The idea is to look like a complete douche when put on trial for crimes against humanity.

When one has selected a group, means and methods are up to the individual, however some things are now considered bad taste. Rubbing one’s genitals, buttocks, or the tangled guts of fallen foes against the sacred places of those fallen is strictly out of bounds. Likewise, phrases like “Ethnic Cleansing” and “Special Treatment” are no longer in fashion. One must now use phrases like “Riding the Chicken” and “Swatting the Monkey” in their place.




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New Cocktails: Fortune and Glory

Does anyone over the age of 30 actually believe in that whole “One Last Job” myth anymore? I did once, and as a celebration of that One Last Job, (the one in Munich not the one in Peru or the one in Lyon or the one in Madrid) that I did with Elsa and Josephine. But there is never truly “One Last Job” in this business. That’s the most important thing to remember. Because if you can keep going in this business and not get burned or killed, then someone is going to ask you to go in for that score that you just can’t refuse.

Still though, this is a great little number to drink after you’ve gotten to the end of a big job. Once you’ve got the 270 million in bonds, or the hard drives, or the Rembrandt, or whatever it was that we were getting in Peru... I honestly never knew what was in that case but the Israelis REALLY wanted it pretty bad.

1 Measure Goldschlager
1 Measure Krug Clos Du Mesnil 1998
1 Measure Peppered Vodka You can get Absolute Peppar if you must, but really it’s best to do these things yourself.


Place all in a mixing glass, stir twice (and only twice) with a Bar Spoon, pour into Cocktail Glass. =