Etiquette: Dealing with a Drunk

A well-mannered person knows full well they should never become inebriated themselves, but we do not live in a perfect world and others still over indulge. Still, the rules for handling a friend who has over imbibed are fairly simple.

If the drunk in question is a douche, or has behaved in a douche like manner to people in the past, the protocol is simple. Steal everything you can, including their clothes, and leave them somewhere embarrassing. Feel free to commit credit fraud with their cards, give huge amounts to children’s charities so they’ll feel disinclined to try to recoup the losses when they sober up. If one is feeling particularly vindictive, leave that person in a farmer’s field near the cows with a dildo shoved somewhere rather too rude to discuss here. When asked, plead ignorance.

If the drunk is an actual friend who has seen you through a few bad turns, take them home and make sure they get to bed. Hold their head while the vomit, help clean them up and always take photos or video with your phone to remind them later how they looked. If a photo album of their drunken sobbing doesn’t wise them up to the idea of not getting so drunk again, e-mail it to their mother. It should be stated though that interventions like that are for people who refuse to change after ample chances.

If one is given custody of a female friend who has had too much, DO NOT RAPE HER! In fact, no molestation of any kind should happen as long as you have your strength. If she comes on to you, simply rebuff her. Even if she becomes angry at your denial of her favors, remain strong. She’ll thank you when she sobers up and has full control of her faculties. Under no circumstances should taking advantage of the situation even enter your mind. In fact, if you hear of someone taking advantage of a female friend, using her inebriation as the wedge to open her legs, that person should instantly be regarded as a douche. You are then clear to wait until he is drunk and follow the first section of advice. Really, if anything, you’re more required by the rules of polite society to slip that person a micky at the first possible chance and beat them to a pulp before leaving them in that farmer’s field.




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The Geek World is Not My World

I’ve often said this to people, but probably not enough. I am not actually a geek. Some people think I might be, because I know a lot of stuff. Useless, pointless, meaningless stuff, but more stuff than almost anyone else they know. Of course, every once in a while, they’ll need to actually know something and I’ll still have the answer to that. However, you just need to meet me for a few minutes on a good day to know I’m not a geek.
On a bad day, I’m so withdrawn that I might be mistaken for one, or I could be a mountain dwelling goblin unused to all the fresh air and sun light.

Now I know what you’re going to say. “Weirdo, you’ve got geeky interests. You’ve got lots of geeky friends. You only sleep with geeks as far as I know. How can you not be a geek?” Well, I only sleep with bisexuals or people with strong bi-curiosity as well. Does that make me bi? I used to hang out with a lot of black people, does that make me black? Most my friends are women, does that make me a woman? The thing is, there is something I’ve often noticed about the geek world, or rather geeks as people. It’s one of the things that keeps me out of their world.

Geeks aren’t very smart, or at least not smart in the right ways.

People who are part of the geek world cling to their intelligence like a life ring in a storm. They have a nasty tendency to act like they’re the only smart people in the world, and are unable to understand why the rest of the world regularly dumps on them. Of course, the rest of the world knows why they dump on geeks, and it’s got nothing to do with the glasses or liking Star Trek.

Lots of really cool people wear glasses these days. Doctor Who is pretty close to a mainstream interest and Star Trek has been mainstream for decades. Everyone knows Star Wars, and lots of people like Wil Wheaton, not just geeks. Wil might be seen as a cool geek among geeks, but he sort of left geekery back in the dust sometime ago. He became a cool person, who has geeky interests. Here is the thing, Wil Wheaton is smart in two ways. He’s smart in Cool Person ways and he’s smart in Geek Ways. He’s good with rules that can be written down and rules that cannot be written down.

Social Rules can never be written down because the way you understand them is by smell and feel. People who understand the rules understand there is no way to write them down because the information can’t really be written down. There are too many fiddly bits, too many complications, too many factors that adjust other factors and too many factors that adjust because the other factors have adjusted to the adjustments made by other factors that are always adjusting because why the hell not? You have to feel your way along, you have to read tiny subtle signals and you have to adjust constantly.

What I've mainly noticed about geeks, is that they're not very good at Social Rules because those can't be written down.

Computers aren’t like this. The rules of computers can be written down, and easily understood. The thing is, computers are far less forgiving than social situations. If you screw up with a computer, you kind of have to stop and start again from the beginning. Socially, you rarely really have to do this. You aren’t regularly cast from and entire circle of friends, having to start with completely new people just because you failed to use a slash when you were supposed to use a backslash. You’re not required to find that one damn slash and turn it into a backslash before anything else can move forward.

This is one of the reasons people who are good at Social Rules freak out on computers. They don’t understand why we can’t just forget that one error and move on. If it were a social situation, they’d take a little shit, and then we’d all move on. In the Geek World however, a mistake is a big thing that must be corrected. It must be documented, it must be categorized, it must be fixed before we can move on. This has crippled more than one geek before they even start. They see that they’ve made an error in a social situation and try to apply computer rules to it. They think they can’t fix it, because everyone else has ignored it, and think they’re being shunned. This is a problem because in reality, they fix it by ignoring it.

Geeks make a Social Error and flip out because they think it’s like a Computer Error and worry they won’t be allowed to fix it.

Of course, one problem is that Social Rules are a constantly shifting ice flow of contradictions and hierarchy. People who play that game badly think it’s about pushing those around you down lower so they can be higher. People who play the game well know it’s about raising people so that you can stand on their shoulders and you’ll all go up together. People who play the game abysmally, think it’s about making yourself like the guy you want to raise you up. And then you have the fear that one person will get raised and you’ll be ignored. That was, greatly speaking, the point of my last post.

The game has no formal rules though, because if people could read the specific rules, with each little detail there for them to see, they would start acting differently. Once they were conscious of their behavior, they would strive to change it. Try this as an experiment sometime, make mention of someone’s little verbal tick. Mention that they say “Exactly” a whole hell of a lot. Then watch as they strive to cay “Certainly” or “That’s Right” instead. When a normal person realizes their behavior can be tracked and predicted, they will start doing something else. This is another part of the rules, but one that can be written down because it’s large enough not to be specific. You can have the big unspecific rules written down because they don’t help much anyway.

No part of the Social Rules may be written down, or the rules cease to work. Including this one.

This is why I can’t really be a geek, or part of the Geek World. I can’t be part of the Normal World either though, in case you’re wondering. I understand both sets of rules and play each world with a combination of rules from both sides. I feel my way along in computers and science, and I use the strict written rules as a wedge to get into people’s heads. I understand enough about both worlds to float around and be a strange, quixotic character for either group, mainly by playing opposite strengths around each group while demonstrating an understanding of the rules of the current group.

Mind you I also have paranoia, A.D.D. and social anxiety disorder to work with here. So it’s very possible that my mind is cracked in just the right way that I can both exist and not exist in whatever world. I understand the rules quickly, but have a totally inability to really play by any of those rules. I don’t belong, but I can be here as an observer. I am accepted everywhere I go, but not really a member of any group.

I am, socially speaking, Schrödinger's Cat.

Which proves that maybe it wasn’t such a dumb idea and that things really can exist in two forms at once. But probably not, I suspect Schrödinger was right and the cat would either be alive or dead.

Etiquette of Hiding a Body

Hiding the corpse of a recently killed person can be time consuming and difficult to perform on your own. The best idea is to have a friend to help dispose of the body. Of course, the optimal situation is to have your friend implicated in the killing so that there’s as much interest for them as there is for you. If that can’t be done, a true friend will still help you in this task.

The question then becomes, how to do you properly thank a friend for helping you dispose of the body? It greatly depends on the level of help your friend has given you. If you’ve inadvertently shot someone in the face and you’re just keeping your car in his garage while you clean out the back seat, then you need no more than a six-pack of domestic beer. If you’re friend is helping you throw a body off a bridge in hopes that the river might wash it away, then a few bottles of nice imported stuff is called for.

If your friend has given even more help, such as actually dismembering and burying the body then a few bottles of fine old whisky, scotch or bourbon is called for. These liquors should be of considerable quality and have spent between 15 and 20 years in the cask. If your friend doesn’t care for whisky, then Brandy of V.S.O.P. or X.O. varieties will be acceptable.

If a friend simply shows up, takes the body and makes all problems simply vanish while telling you not to worry, something special is needed. Such a friend, if they ask for no other favors, is the truest friend you could ever have. In these cases, a case of expensive Champagne or Hors d'age Brandy along with a box of fine imported chocolates is required. One should also always remember to keep such a friend on any and all holiday card lists one might keep.



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Assassination Etiquette

When one has been hired by a discerning gentleman, to remove another gentleman for various reasons, one must abide by the highest of standards. It matters not that the risk of capture raises or the difficulty of the kill becomes increased. If one does not wish to deal with certain issues, one should not become a “Personal Removal Expert” and simply retain the title of “Thug what kills people for money” which can hardly even be called a job much less a profession. If one desires pay and respectability, one must adhere to professional codes of conduct.

Introduction to Client
One must always meet prospective clients in the most discrete and secure locations possible. Never show off, boast or otherwise make a spectacle of oneself. One must always retain a sense of dignity that comes from being able to kill everyone in the room. The client must always feel that you are the most dangerous thing within fifty miles, and that all other things are submissive to you. It is important to radiate a sanguine and calm nature to the client, while making sure they understand that when they come to you, the job will be performed to their exacting specifications.

While one may wish to ask for money upfront, one should only take clients who can offer assurance of being able to afford one’s special services. The unspoken risk of penalty for non-payment will make sure the client pays on time. Always make sure to understand the exact target. One simply does not have group rates, only single persons or possibly husband and wife teams if extra money is provided. Always make sure to exactly outline the specifics of the job before you commence, including under what circumstances each will consider the job completed and when you will be paid. Under no circumstances however, should one ever explain their methods to the client. All the client ever needs to know is that the job will be completed within the specified time.


Investigating the Target
One must deeply investigate the target for removal carefully. One should never refer to this step as “stalking” as stalking is something a “Thug what kills people for money” does. This is simply researching the target carefully to find the best moment to efficiently remove the subject from the population. Learn every facet of the target’s life and habits. If possible, get to know the target intimately in order to fully understand them.

A well-laid plan is essential. One must pick a time and place to eliminate the target with as little fuss as possible. Choosing the proper tool is just as important and should be an integral part of the planning stage. Method and means are just as important as time and place. Choose a tool that fits the subject, and always make sure the method is well thought out. Careful planning is the key to everything.

Outside Assistance
Optimally, the number of accomplices should be kept to a minimum. However, one might need to procure weapons, papers, vehicles or entry into important places. When these cannot be procured on one’s own, one may find it necessary to work with others. When this happens, always keep information to a minimal. Never allow anyone to know anything besides the exact technical specifications of what one needs.

Prices should always be agreed upon in advance and no matter what changes might have to be made, they should always be honored. A true professional will also hand over any plans and scrap material when the job is finished. Payment must of course be made either in cash or through a known agent or bank. Never deal with unknown moneychangers.

Removing the Target
While one may need to eliminate members of security or other staff, unless forced by circumstance, killing staff is beneath the true professional. Such showboating as walking through the front door and taking out an entire security retinue is strictly gauche. One must always pick a time and place where the target is either unguarded or otherwise vulnerable to delivery. It serves no purpose to engage an entrenched entourage head on when slipping in the back can work just as well. Remember, no one is paying you for the staff.

When eliminating a target, one must make sure to provide as clean and neat a service as possible. One must remember the phrase “die young and leave a beautiful corpse” and apply it to the target. There is no reason to leave gallons of blood, exposed organs, or any remains that would make an open casket funeral an unwise prospect. Leave as small a mark on the body, or make a small wound that would be covered by a suit. One should always make sure to leave a small calling card, so as to let people know that a true professional has performed this act.




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Etiquette: Committing genocide

When one is wiping out a group of people, one must follow a few simple rules. Remember that it must be stopped once a week as it is considered impolite to commit genocide on a Tuesday. It is also important to remember to keep a cyanide capsule at all times because no one wants to be caught murdering an entire group of human beings.

Always when deciding on the group to be eliminated, always use age-old methods. Never pick a group based on musical tastes, or style of clothing. These things are transitory and will often make you look like a cranky wanker rather than a monster bent on destruction. Religion and ethnic background are the most popular methods for selection, however it is not unheard of to choose a group based on medical conditions or political affiliation. The reasons for selection aren’t terribly important, so long as they sound either insane or amazingly petty to outsiders. The idea is to look like a complete douche when put on trial for crimes against humanity.

When one has selected a group, means and methods are up to the individual, however some things are now considered bad taste. Rubbing one’s genitals, buttocks, or the tangled guts of fallen foes against the sacred places of those fallen is strictly out of bounds. Likewise, phrases like “Ethnic Cleansing” and “Special Treatment” are no longer in fashion. One must now use phrases like “Riding the Chicken” and “Swatting the Monkey” in their place.




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Old Cocktails: Martini

It is of the utmost importance to know what sort of drink one is ordering when at a bar. If one gets it wrong, one will not be accepted into any but the lowest and least interesting circles of society. It is for that reason that we stress how important it is to make sure one knows what mixed drinks they are asking for and can create those drinks on a moment’s notice.

A Martini is made up of four to six parts gin and one part vermouth. You put these liquids into a glass with ice and stir before straining the mixture into the severing vessel. An olive on a stick, or possibly a piece of lemon peel may also be added if one is feeling frisky. Any other addition is merely pointing to poor breeding and a sorry upbringing.The true artist knows when to stop, and will leave perfection alone.

If you shake a martini, you deserve to have the lousy watered down excuse for drink that bruised gin and melted ice will give you. Also, that’s called Bradford, and not a Martini. While popular fiction has implanted the idea of what a martini is, that idea is wholly and completely wrong. Similarly, if someone asks for a Vodka Martini, you are allowed to tell them that there is no such drink and then stab them in the eye with a swizzle stick. It may seem like a breach of etiquette to lash out with violence, but it’s the only language those people understand. Likewise, if anyone ever asks in your hearing for "A dirty martini. Really dirty, make mine positively filthy." and then adds it with "Haw, haw. I'm so clever." You are not only allowed, you are expected to kill that person by drowning them in whatever vessel contains enough liquid to get the job done. It's the only way they'll learn.

Vodka mixed with Vermouth already has a name, it’s called a Kangaroo and the inclusion of vodka makes it hideously undrinkable. James Bond’s horrific abomination of a shaken martini made of 3 parts gin, one vodka, and ½ a measure of Orange Bitters with a dash of Quinine (Since Kina Lillet is no longer available) also already has a name. It’s called a Vesper and not a Martini. Again, I point you to the fact that even Ian Fleming knew he would deserve to be stabbed in the eye for that.

Tell you what, print this out, put it on a card, and then tattoo it over your heart. (Probably backward, so you can read it in the mirror)

Martini
3 shots gin (while I love Bombay Sapphire for anything else, the best gin for a martini, in my experience, is Hendrick’s)
½ shot Dry Vermouth
½ shot Sweet Vermouth

Put lots of ice in a glass, then introduce the ingredients like a gentleman. Stir gently with a bar spoon and then strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Serve either with a single olive on a stick, or if you are part of the advanced class, rub a lemon peel on the glass before pouring and serve straight.

Etiquette: Jointing a Gangster

When one has recently killed and must dispose of a gangster, special care should be taken to ensure the proper disposal of that gangster. Cutting the legs, arms and head from the torso makes moving easier and allow the body to be buried over a larger area. One must be careful when disassembling said gangster though, for both etiquette and expedience. Never use a hand saw to cut the body to pieces. This is both messy and if performed improperly, needlessly time consuming. Never attempt to cut through bones, as this will add to cutting time, and may dull or damage tools.

Instead, use a large carving knife, and dismember the gangster as you would a turkey. Always cut at the joints, where the tendons can be easily sliced. Cut at the shoulders and hips. Step on the joints and use the pressure of your boot to pop the balls from their sockets. Place each limb in a separate, double bagged sack.

When decapitating, take care in your cutting to avoid the spinal bones and understand the head will take some time to remove. To avoid this step, simply smack the jaw area with a hammer to dislodge or break the teeth. This will make identification through dental records more difficult. Burning of clothes, papers and other goods is also recommended during this step.

When removing the body, always make sure any blood has been properly cleaned up. The polite murderer never leaves a mess behind them. Remember, others may have to use this space later. Consideration for their feelings is important. You may think you’re sending a message by leaving the head of your defeated foe on the table, but the only statement that makes is that you failed to notice you didn’t have the head with you when you left. A simple card, or symbol mailed later will suffice to let people know what you did.



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Shelter Protocol

When the Atomic War strikes and Armageddon is upon us, rules of etiquette and decorum still apply.

While it is important not to allow your personal bomb shelter to become over-crowded by waves of your panicking neighbors who came less prepared, one should remember not to allow the situation to get away from oneself. Brandishing a weapon might become necessary at some point, but even the lethal force is rarely considered polite. Never start with the shotgun, simply explain that the shelter only holds so many and there simply is not longer any room.

Never resort of vulgarity. Screaming “Back off motherfucker, or I’ll spray you all over the landscape” rarely makes anything better and never earns us any friends. Instead a simple “If required, I will shoot you… motherfucker” spoken in a calm and steady voice will be sufficient in most circumstances.



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Etiquette: Human Sacrifice Ritual

When sacrificing a virgin to your dark gods in exchange for unholy powers, always remember the young lady in question may not be familiar with all aspects of the ritual. If you’ve had the girl retrieved from a nearby village the moment of blood shed may in fact be the first she’s hearing of the while thing. You need to always be patient and understand that any screams for help are only as a result of her lack of understanding for your mad need for power.

Never shout at the virgin or make her feel that her reluctance to give up her life is in anyway causing you the slightest bit of difficulty. Just because you’re going to rip out her heart and rape her corpse, that’s no reason to cease being anything but a gentleman.



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Etiquette: Seduction of a Spy

When a young lady enters the espionage field, she may often be asked to do things that would be considered indelicate in polite society. She may even be asked to use her attractive form to seduce unwary men in order to get them to betray government secrets to her. She may even need to lead him to his own certain death in order to fulfill her service contract.

The most important thing to remember is to form a personal detachment. One simply cannot allow oneself to be seduced into betraying one’s own superiors when one was supposed to be doing the betraying. It’s bad form to actually form attachment to one’s target and falling in love is simply not done. It would be incredibly rude to fall in love with a person and still get them to steal state secrets and eventually shoot them when their usefulness has ended. Instead, one must always remember to avoid personal feelings for one’s target.

Training the subject is of course a must. One’s target must understand that there is punishment for displeasure and reward for pleasing you. Consider it like training a dog, only with less actual love. Useful information must always be rewarded, at least with kind words and a smile. Materials, which are more difficult to acquire, demand more gratification. This usually will mean sexual congress in some form. Colitis will require you to fake an impressive orgasm while hand jobs simply require tissues. Always remember to scale the sexual activity to the materials brought to you.

When the time comes to put one’s target down, don’t draw it out. A single bullet, fired at pointblank range behind the left ear directly into the brain will kill them without any fuss. Avoid dramatic gestures, never explain your plan, and if possible don’t let them see it coming. The quick kill is always preferred and will be appreciated.



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General Etiquette: A Gentleman’s Items

While one does not wish to be weighed down with paraphernalia, there are certain items that a polite gentleman should not be without. Some of these items may be considered situational, some might be thought of as over preparation, but some are certainly essential.

- A clean handkerchief is simply a must. Make sure to supply yourself with a fresh one every day, and keep enough in your drawer to change them if one should become soiled. Materials don’t matter much, so long as they are clean and there is a supply of them.
- A small notebook, both for taking notes and for giving other people notes to take with them.
- Cell phone, a must for the modern day.
- A card case with sufficient calling cards to distribute. It is important to be able to introduce yourself and allow people to know who and what you are.
- A good pocket or wristwatch, because punctuality is a must.
- A wallet or billfold for money, identification, and condoms.
- A flask with soothing liquors.
- A folding pocketknife, should it become necessary for you to cut a bitch. Bitch here refers to any motherfuckers what get in your way, and does not denote the gender of the bitch that needs cutting.
- Gloves. Leather for pimp slapping suckas, latex for clean kills.
- A pill case, for all your “self-medicating” needs.
- A small caliber pistol, just in case you need to pop a person one behind the ear.
- A length of piano wire or the G-String from a guitar. Proper garroting is more important now than ever.

With these items, you will never be caught off guard.



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Etiquette: Roaring Rampage of Revenge

When one is intent on murdering those who wronged one, one must keep several things in mind. For starters, if one is not an unstoppable badass, training must begin in the deadly arts. Until one is an undeniable ass kicker, one cannot begin a quest of vengeance. Go to China, Japan, or if on a budget, the Bronx. Find a little old man, who is a master of a deadly art and get him to teach you.

Once training in the deadly arts is completed (research shows this normally takes between three weeks and two months) one must then obtain weapons. The proper weapon is one that would prove impractical under any other circumstances. A sword, an axe, machete, or a carefully planned out multi-million dollar scheme of pretending to be an important dignitary in order to lure your unsuspecting wrong doers into your clutches so you can pick them off one by one.

When going on a rampage of revenge, always make sure only to kill those who actually wronged you and any minions attempting to defend them. Never injury a family member, child, or innocent employee so long as they stay out of your way. In many cases, the people you’re getting revenge on have other people who are mad at them as well. Remember, the people closest to them might be the ones most apt to sell them out.




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Etiquette Regarding the Removal of a Co-Worker

No matter what you’re working conditions, at some point it will become necessary to remove a co-worker from the coffee pool and most likely deposit them in a bog of some variety. Method of elimination greatly depends on your individual work environment, but needless to say an actual knife in the back is no longer permissible. Knives tend to cause a lot of blood, which only causes the poor, underpaid cleaning staff to have to work harder. One must remember that the polite individual considers those with a lower social standing as well as those of equal or greater standing. While it may be true that no man is a hero to his valet, one might be a hero to the cleaning woman and her services can become invaluable when disposal of a body is needed.

In most office situations, a bludgeon is inadvisable as one needs room to swing, many hits may be needed, and heads do split open and cause the goo inside to splatter if one gets carried away. The grunts and repeated thunks of the object hitting the skull will also disturb your fellow workers. If one is considering removing a co-worker, that person has probably caused enough grief for the rest of the office and at least their departed should be quiet.

In these quiet situations, a length of phone wire with ballpoint pens at each end for leverage makes a serviceable device to garrote your troublesome desk pilot. Simply throw the wire over the head, wrap it around once and squeeze until life is extinguished. The eyes will bulge, the tongue will protrude from the mouth and swell, but life may remain. Dedication is needed for such a job as this and one must keep continual pressure even after the victim has passed out. Once struggling has ceased, tying a knot into the wire to keep it tight around the throat is often advisable to make certain that all life is squeezed out. If one needs to ensure that no struggling will take place what-so-ever, a single blow delivered to the back of the head with something like a paper weight will often render the donut thief unconscious long enough to wrap the wire around their neck and tie it tight.

When the troublesome ex-employee is dealt with, one may need to remove the body quickly. This is where disturbing your co-workers is acceptable, as you will need their help to remove the former seat warmer. It is considered bad form to abuse the corpse unduly, but leaving it in the dumpster is acceptable as practicality must sometimes rule the day.



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Etiquette: Stealing From a Party

Every spy, every gentleman burglar, every covert operative will, at some time during their career, have to steal something from the home of a wealthy person. Be it microfilm, a diamond necklace, or possibly the secret formula that all of this trouble has been about. The best time to steal such an item is of course, during a large high profile party. This seems counterintuitive, but it makes perfect sense. A large gathering gives both the opportunity to move freely about the house with the other guest who will be milling about, but also gives one the perfect chance to remain courteous to one’s victim without exposing oneself to unnecessary risk of being caught.

When one enters a party, one must always greet one’s host, even if only for a moment. Congratulate them on throwing a successful party and having such a beautiful home. Remember to compliment their family, current efforts, or any other items of note. The victim must always suppose you’ve been invited and that you are a trusted friend. Then slip away to perform the burglary. Under no circumstances should one reveal that they are going to perform the theft, that’s arrogance and will tip off the plucky and witty security officer that has been loaned to the person for the purposes of the party.

Remember that said security personnel has likely been assigned specifically to stop you.
Always perform ample set up work, making sure the memorize the lay out of the building, any and all security measures and of course check the guest list to see if anyone who might inadvertently recognize you will be in attendance. Always bring your own tools, and remember to clean up the crime scene after yourself, putting everything back in its proper place (saving the object marked out for removal) to prevent premature discovery.

One should leave a memento in the place of the object taken, in deed sometimes a false version of the object is a must. However, a note or token to let people know who exactly has robbed them is often considered polite. One does not wish for people of wealthy and standing to think they were robbed by an ordinary criminal. One must be polite and charming, since it may just be that charm that helps you get away when caught.




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Etiquette: Finding a corpse in your bed

When one awakes, or returns home, to find the shell of a former person in their bed, one should never panic. First, make sure the person in front of you is actually dead. If they aren’t, you need to move to a different section of the book. Depending on your feelings toward them, one may either save their life or finish the job with a table lamp. It is for reasons like this that we always suggest one keep a heavy, metal bedside lamp.

A corpse in one’s own bed is never an ideal situation. If one must have a dead body kept around, which we don’t suggest you do, one should keep them in places that aren’t intimate to one. Of course the first thing to do upon finding (or making) a corpse in one’s bed is to ask oneself some questions.

- Do I know the deceased?
- How long has this been here?
- How did they die?
- How did it get here?
- Why my bed?
- Did I kill them?
- Is this something I did during one of those horrid black out periods?
- Should I leave the country and change my name or is this no big thing?

When one has answered these questions, at least given oneself a cursory answer, the proper disposal becomes and issue.

If one is sure that the body has been placed by accident or by enemies, simply call the proper authorities or a trusted removal service and let them deal with it. That is what they’re there for after all. Only a lunatic would keep a dead body in their bed and if one has a clean slate legally, then one will be all right. There may be some unpleasantness to deal with, but one can sort those rat-bastards out later.

If you believe you may be responsible for the current state of the corpse, then measures will have to be taken. If one committed the killing at the behest of voices in one’s head, now would be a good time to take their advice for disposal. The voices are usually right in these matters and it would be a disaster to stop listening now.



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Etiquette: Disposing of an Unwanted Gift

During the holiday season, one will receive many an unwanted gift. No matter what the gift is, who gave it, or why it’s unwanted, there are several steps to removing it from your life. Assuming a gift receipt has not been furnished, or that is not applicable, one should tread carefully. Many things can be returned to stores with out receipts shortly after the holidays, depending on the item and store. If the stores cannot take the item back, simply sell it on the internet or trade it on the street for drugs.

If the unwanted gift is a handmade object however, destruction is your only option. One simply cannot risk the maker seeing their handiwork being sold on ebay, or in the hands of a crack dealer. Fire is usually the best method, although with metal or ceramics you may have to resort to hammers or even throwing it off of a bridge over a deep river.

If worst comes to worst, you may even have to kill the gift giver. This solution is extreme, but is the only answer if they continually pester you about that lovely puke colored sweater they gave you last St. Swiven’s Day. In these situations, it’s often useful to keep an unwanted gift around. An ugly sweater can often work as a makeshift garrote and a “thing that you don’t know what it is, but it’s got a hook for holding it too the wall, except it’s too heavy and broke the hook and besides it’s ugly as hell, whatever it is” can make a perfect bludgeon.



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