Etiquette of Hiding a Body

Hiding the corpse of a recently killed person can be time consuming and difficult to perform on your own. The best idea is to have a friend to help dispose of the body. Of course, the optimal situation is to have your friend implicated in the killing so that there’s as much interest for them as there is for you. If that can’t be done, a true friend will still help you in this task.

The question then becomes, how to do you properly thank a friend for helping you dispose of the body? It greatly depends on the level of help your friend has given you. If you’ve inadvertently shot someone in the face and you’re just keeping your car in his garage while you clean out the back seat, then you need no more than a six-pack of domestic beer. If you’re friend is helping you throw a body off a bridge in hopes that the river might wash it away, then a few bottles of nice imported stuff is called for.

If your friend has given even more help, such as actually dismembering and burying the body then a few bottles of fine old whisky, scotch or bourbon is called for. These liquors should be of considerable quality and have spent between 15 and 20 years in the cask. If your friend doesn’t care for whisky, then Brandy of V.S.O.P. or X.O. varieties will be acceptable.

If a friend simply shows up, takes the body and makes all problems simply vanish while telling you not to worry, something special is needed. Such a friend, if they ask for no other favors, is the truest friend you could ever have. In these cases, a case of expensive Champagne or Hors d'age Brandy along with a box of fine imported chocolates is required. One should also always remember to keep such a friend on any and all holiday card lists one might keep.



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Assassination Etiquette

When one has been hired by a discerning gentleman, to remove another gentleman for various reasons, one must abide by the highest of standards. It matters not that the risk of capture raises or the difficulty of the kill becomes increased. If one does not wish to deal with certain issues, one should not become a “Personal Removal Expert” and simply retain the title of “Thug what kills people for money” which can hardly even be called a job much less a profession. If one desires pay and respectability, one must adhere to professional codes of conduct.

Introduction to Client
One must always meet prospective clients in the most discrete and secure locations possible. Never show off, boast or otherwise make a spectacle of oneself. One must always retain a sense of dignity that comes from being able to kill everyone in the room. The client must always feel that you are the most dangerous thing within fifty miles, and that all other things are submissive to you. It is important to radiate a sanguine and calm nature to the client, while making sure they understand that when they come to you, the job will be performed to their exacting specifications.

While one may wish to ask for money upfront, one should only take clients who can offer assurance of being able to afford one’s special services. The unspoken risk of penalty for non-payment will make sure the client pays on time. Always make sure to understand the exact target. One simply does not have group rates, only single persons or possibly husband and wife teams if extra money is provided. Always make sure to exactly outline the specifics of the job before you commence, including under what circumstances each will consider the job completed and when you will be paid. Under no circumstances however, should one ever explain their methods to the client. All the client ever needs to know is that the job will be completed within the specified time.


Investigating the Target
One must deeply investigate the target for removal carefully. One should never refer to this step as “stalking” as stalking is something a “Thug what kills people for money” does. This is simply researching the target carefully to find the best moment to efficiently remove the subject from the population. Learn every facet of the target’s life and habits. If possible, get to know the target intimately in order to fully understand them.

A well-laid plan is essential. One must pick a time and place to eliminate the target with as little fuss as possible. Choosing the proper tool is just as important and should be an integral part of the planning stage. Method and means are just as important as time and place. Choose a tool that fits the subject, and always make sure the method is well thought out. Careful planning is the key to everything.

Outside Assistance
Optimally, the number of accomplices should be kept to a minimum. However, one might need to procure weapons, papers, vehicles or entry into important places. When these cannot be procured on one’s own, one may find it necessary to work with others. When this happens, always keep information to a minimal. Never allow anyone to know anything besides the exact technical specifications of what one needs.

Prices should always be agreed upon in advance and no matter what changes might have to be made, they should always be honored. A true professional will also hand over any plans and scrap material when the job is finished. Payment must of course be made either in cash or through a known agent or bank. Never deal with unknown moneychangers.

Removing the Target
While one may need to eliminate members of security or other staff, unless forced by circumstance, killing staff is beneath the true professional. Such showboating as walking through the front door and taking out an entire security retinue is strictly gauche. One must always pick a time and place where the target is either unguarded or otherwise vulnerable to delivery. It serves no purpose to engage an entrenched entourage head on when slipping in the back can work just as well. Remember, no one is paying you for the staff.

When eliminating a target, one must make sure to provide as clean and neat a service as possible. One must remember the phrase “die young and leave a beautiful corpse” and apply it to the target. There is no reason to leave gallons of blood, exposed organs, or any remains that would make an open casket funeral an unwise prospect. Leave as small a mark on the body, or make a small wound that would be covered by a suit. One should always make sure to leave a small calling card, so as to let people know that a true professional has performed this act.




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New Cocktails: Fortune and Glory

Does anyone over the age of 30 actually believe in that whole “One Last Job” myth anymore? I did once, and as a celebration of that One Last Job, (the one in Munich not the one in Peru or the one in Lyon or the one in Madrid) that I did with Elsa and Josephine. But there is never truly “One Last Job” in this business. That’s the most important thing to remember. Because if you can keep going in this business and not get burned or killed, then someone is going to ask you to go in for that score that you just can’t refuse.

Still though, this is a great little number to drink after you’ve gotten to the end of a big job. Once you’ve got the 270 million in bonds, or the hard drives, or the Rembrandt, or whatever it was that we were getting in Peru... I honestly never knew what was in that case but the Israelis REALLY wanted it pretty bad.

1 Measure Goldschlager
1 Measure Krug Clos Du Mesnil 1998
1 Measure Peppered Vodka You can get Absolute Peppar if you must, but really it’s best to do these things yourself.


Place all in a mixing glass, stir twice (and only twice) with a Bar Spoon, pour into Cocktail Glass. =

Tales I Tell: Mount Olympus

Did I ever tell you about the time I set fire to Mount Olympus? I won’t make excuses, and I refuse to dwell on details, but I will say that no one cheats me out of my payment and leave it at that. One might think they’re all-powerful and have all that “Power of a God” crap going on, but when it comes to thermite, everything burns. I don’t like going to those sorts of extremes, but sometimes people have to be taught a lesson.


So, yeah, long story short is that I can’t go back to Greece until I get a new fake passport.

Etiquette: Jointing a Gangster

When one has recently killed and must dispose of a gangster, special care should be taken to ensure the proper disposal of that gangster. Cutting the legs, arms and head from the torso makes moving easier and allow the body to be buried over a larger area. One must be careful when disassembling said gangster though, for both etiquette and expedience. Never use a hand saw to cut the body to pieces. This is both messy and if performed improperly, needlessly time consuming. Never attempt to cut through bones, as this will add to cutting time, and may dull or damage tools.

Instead, use a large carving knife, and dismember the gangster as you would a turkey. Always cut at the joints, where the tendons can be easily sliced. Cut at the shoulders and hips. Step on the joints and use the pressure of your boot to pop the balls from their sockets. Place each limb in a separate, double bagged sack.

When decapitating, take care in your cutting to avoid the spinal bones and understand the head will take some time to remove. To avoid this step, simply smack the jaw area with a hammer to dislodge or break the teeth. This will make identification through dental records more difficult. Burning of clothes, papers and other goods is also recommended during this step.

When removing the body, always make sure any blood has been properly cleaned up. The polite murderer never leaves a mess behind them. Remember, others may have to use this space later. Consideration for their feelings is important. You may think you’re sending a message by leaving the head of your defeated foe on the table, but the only statement that makes is that you failed to notice you didn’t have the head with you when you left. A simple card, or symbol mailed later will suffice to let people know what you did.



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We’ve all been there.

I was sitting in a bar in Malta, waiting for my contact with a briefcase full of something unsavory, drinking the local excuse for beer, listening to a guy from Wales explaining the power of the Hulkamaniacs, when it occurred to me I needed to have my medication checked. Seriously, I have no recollection as to how I actually got to Malta, nor do I remember exactly what was in the case, or if ever I knew. All I can remember is that I was supposed to get it to Serbia and that the man at the other end would finish paying my fee.

I do remember that girl at the end of the bar though, but it would be hard to forget her after all the trouble she caused. Still, how many of us haven't gotten on the wrong side of the Mafia now and then over some little cutie in a bar? She’s fine by the way, living under an assumed name some place nice. That’s all the detail you need. Pretty sure there’s no one left alive with a grudge, but you can never be too sure.

I did eventually get the case into Serbia, and got myself out, but that’s a story for another day.