Assassination Etiquette

When one has been hired by a discerning gentleman, to remove another gentleman for various reasons, one must abide by the highest of standards. It matters not that the risk of capture raises or the difficulty of the kill becomes increased. If one does not wish to deal with certain issues, one should not become a “Personal Removal Expert” and simply retain the title of “Thug what kills people for money” which can hardly even be called a job much less a profession. If one desires pay and respectability, one must adhere to professional codes of conduct.

Introduction to Client
One must always meet prospective clients in the most discrete and secure locations possible. Never show off, boast or otherwise make a spectacle of oneself. One must always retain a sense of dignity that comes from being able to kill everyone in the room. The client must always feel that you are the most dangerous thing within fifty miles, and that all other things are submissive to you. It is important to radiate a sanguine and calm nature to the client, while making sure they understand that when they come to you, the job will be performed to their exacting specifications.

While one may wish to ask for money upfront, one should only take clients who can offer assurance of being able to afford one’s special services. The unspoken risk of penalty for non-payment will make sure the client pays on time. Always make sure to understand the exact target. One simply does not have group rates, only single persons or possibly husband and wife teams if extra money is provided. Always make sure to exactly outline the specifics of the job before you commence, including under what circumstances each will consider the job completed and when you will be paid. Under no circumstances however, should one ever explain their methods to the client. All the client ever needs to know is that the job will be completed within the specified time.


Investigating the Target
One must deeply investigate the target for removal carefully. One should never refer to this step as “stalking” as stalking is something a “Thug what kills people for money” does. This is simply researching the target carefully to find the best moment to efficiently remove the subject from the population. Learn every facet of the target’s life and habits. If possible, get to know the target intimately in order to fully understand them.

A well-laid plan is essential. One must pick a time and place to eliminate the target with as little fuss as possible. Choosing the proper tool is just as important and should be an integral part of the planning stage. Method and means are just as important as time and place. Choose a tool that fits the subject, and always make sure the method is well thought out. Careful planning is the key to everything.

Outside Assistance
Optimally, the number of accomplices should be kept to a minimum. However, one might need to procure weapons, papers, vehicles or entry into important places. When these cannot be procured on one’s own, one may find it necessary to work with others. When this happens, always keep information to a minimal. Never allow anyone to know anything besides the exact technical specifications of what one needs.

Prices should always be agreed upon in advance and no matter what changes might have to be made, they should always be honored. A true professional will also hand over any plans and scrap material when the job is finished. Payment must of course be made either in cash or through a known agent or bank. Never deal with unknown moneychangers.

Removing the Target
While one may need to eliminate members of security or other staff, unless forced by circumstance, killing staff is beneath the true professional. Such showboating as walking through the front door and taking out an entire security retinue is strictly gauche. One must always pick a time and place where the target is either unguarded or otherwise vulnerable to delivery. It serves no purpose to engage an entrenched entourage head on when slipping in the back can work just as well. Remember, no one is paying you for the staff.

When eliminating a target, one must make sure to provide as clean and neat a service as possible. One must remember the phrase “die young and leave a beautiful corpse” and apply it to the target. There is no reason to leave gallons of blood, exposed organs, or any remains that would make an open casket funeral an unwise prospect. Leave as small a mark on the body, or make a small wound that would be covered by a suit. One should always make sure to leave a small calling card, so as to let people know that a true professional has performed this act.




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Etiquette Regarding the Removal of a Co-Worker

No matter what you’re working conditions, at some point it will become necessary to remove a co-worker from the coffee pool and most likely deposit them in a bog of some variety. Method of elimination greatly depends on your individual work environment, but needless to say an actual knife in the back is no longer permissible. Knives tend to cause a lot of blood, which only causes the poor, underpaid cleaning staff to have to work harder. One must remember that the polite individual considers those with a lower social standing as well as those of equal or greater standing. While it may be true that no man is a hero to his valet, one might be a hero to the cleaning woman and her services can become invaluable when disposal of a body is needed.

In most office situations, a bludgeon is inadvisable as one needs room to swing, many hits may be needed, and heads do split open and cause the goo inside to splatter if one gets carried away. The grunts and repeated thunks of the object hitting the skull will also disturb your fellow workers. If one is considering removing a co-worker, that person has probably caused enough grief for the rest of the office and at least their departed should be quiet.

In these quiet situations, a length of phone wire with ballpoint pens at each end for leverage makes a serviceable device to garrote your troublesome desk pilot. Simply throw the wire over the head, wrap it around once and squeeze until life is extinguished. The eyes will bulge, the tongue will protrude from the mouth and swell, but life may remain. Dedication is needed for such a job as this and one must keep continual pressure even after the victim has passed out. Once struggling has ceased, tying a knot into the wire to keep it tight around the throat is often advisable to make certain that all life is squeezed out. If one needs to ensure that no struggling will take place what-so-ever, a single blow delivered to the back of the head with something like a paper weight will often render the donut thief unconscious long enough to wrap the wire around their neck and tie it tight.

When the troublesome ex-employee is dealt with, one may need to remove the body quickly. This is where disturbing your co-workers is acceptable, as you will need their help to remove the former seat warmer. It is considered bad form to abuse the corpse unduly, but leaving it in the dumpster is acceptable as practicality must sometimes rule the day.



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