Old Cocktails: Martini

It is of the utmost importance to know what sort of drink one is ordering when at a bar. If one gets it wrong, one will not be accepted into any but the lowest and least interesting circles of society. It is for that reason that we stress how important it is to make sure one knows what mixed drinks they are asking for and can create those drinks on a moment’s notice.

A Martini is made up of four to six parts gin and one part vermouth. You put these liquids into a glass with ice and stir before straining the mixture into the severing vessel. An olive on a stick, or possibly a piece of lemon peel may also be added if one is feeling frisky. Any other addition is merely pointing to poor breeding and a sorry upbringing.The true artist knows when to stop, and will leave perfection alone.

If you shake a martini, you deserve to have the lousy watered down excuse for drink that bruised gin and melted ice will give you. Also, that’s called Bradford, and not a Martini. While popular fiction has implanted the idea of what a martini is, that idea is wholly and completely wrong. Similarly, if someone asks for a Vodka Martini, you are allowed to tell them that there is no such drink and then stab them in the eye with a swizzle stick. It may seem like a breach of etiquette to lash out with violence, but it’s the only language those people understand. Likewise, if anyone ever asks in your hearing for "A dirty martini. Really dirty, make mine positively filthy." and then adds it with "Haw, haw. I'm so clever." You are not only allowed, you are expected to kill that person by drowning them in whatever vessel contains enough liquid to get the job done. It's the only way they'll learn.

Vodka mixed with Vermouth already has a name, it’s called a Kangaroo and the inclusion of vodka makes it hideously undrinkable. James Bond’s horrific abomination of a shaken martini made of 3 parts gin, one vodka, and ½ a measure of Orange Bitters with a dash of Quinine (Since Kina Lillet is no longer available) also already has a name. It’s called a Vesper and not a Martini. Again, I point you to the fact that even Ian Fleming knew he would deserve to be stabbed in the eye for that.

Tell you what, print this out, put it on a card, and then tattoo it over your heart. (Probably backward, so you can read it in the mirror)

Martini
3 shots gin (while I love Bombay Sapphire for anything else, the best gin for a martini, in my experience, is Hendrick’s)
½ shot Dry Vermouth
½ shot Sweet Vermouth

Put lots of ice in a glass, then introduce the ingredients like a gentleman. Stir gently with a bar spoon and then strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Serve either with a single olive on a stick, or if you are part of the advanced class, rub a lemon peel on the glass before pouring and serve straight.