All the Books: Recipe #9 – Crispy Roasted Potatoes

All the Books: Recipe #9 – Crispy Roasted Potatoes

I want to tell you a story, a story about overwork, a story about depression, a story about cooking potatoes, and story about overcoming difficult odds to triumph over evil. I started this project for two reasons – One: I had too many unused cookbooks. Two: I needed to remember how to write again. After about ten years I was coming out of a depressive slump from which I almost didn’t escape. When you’re wrapped up in problems, and your brain is working against you, things can quickly go from bad to worse. We won’t go into the problems, but let’s agree that I was not at what you would call my fighting condition for such a set of circumstances to arrive. Over the last, let’s call it two years, I have been able to work my way out of the situation. Also, quite frankly, the question “What’s the worst that can happen” was pretty handily answered. And that, my dears may darlings, is a lovely and freeing feeling. Once the three worst things that can happen, have already happened, what else can they do to you?


This pic of pitching wizard is merely here to fill space. Please ignore him.

This releasing of tension coincided with a new found ability to cope with situations and a slightly lower disaster to good day ratio. The reason I bring all this up, is that there are still some times when I slide back and just can’t. Just cleaning the table to make a corner of the kitchen look presentable is too much. Finding a recipe is too much anxiety, and the effort to photograph and edit is more than I can bear. The result of all these things is that sometimes you don’t get a post for a week or three, because even though I made tonight’s dish a while ago, there simply was too much else to do and I had as couple of weeks at work that were a little rough due to training and people leaving and such. So, that’s why this is late and some others will also be late.



So, a while ago, I was at one of those little gift stores you sometimes get. They sell magnets and aprons with the name of your state of them. They smell vaguely of lilac and always seem to be run by the same middle aged woman. She sells candles, and the sort of blank cards with photographs on them, as well as (sometimes) books like this one. Now, one may ask why I bought Sheet Pan Suppers, by Molly Gilbert when I already have (by my own admission) too many cookbooks. I would reply that I live in a house with a bunch of enablers. Just today, the day I write this, my father bought me French Cooking: Classic Recipes and Techniques because I didn’t have a single French cookbook. Nice, but... you know? Like I don't have enough cookbooks to work through? So I bought a copy of this book, on my own recognizance, because I thought it might be interesting. Now, fair dues to Molly Gilbert, I had seen this recipe and thought “Oh, okay, when I make something ELSE from this book, I can make that as a side and get a nice two-fer.” There are 120 recipes in this book and many of them look like they would be good things to cook. However, when I found myself rushed and in need of SOMETHING to cook so that I would have a post ready for the next week (when I still thought this was going to go up on September 10th) and I sort of had some potatoes on hand already soooooooo....



Having made this the way the recipe said to (with a slight adjustment in the kind of potato I had on hand), the result was pretty good. I feel sort of bad, like I’m rendering a disservice to poor Molly Gilbert, because all her hard work and effort to write an interesting book, and I’m spot lighting a fairly simple side dish. I’m pretty sure if she ever reads this she’ll be glad to know that the dish turned out well and was rated as pretty good. Still though. Listen, find this book, buy it, pay the full list price like I did and make something more interesting. While you’re at it, overcome your anxiety and depression and start a food blog where you don’t actually talk that much about the food, don’t actually share the recipe, but talk about yourself a lot and generally give the impression that this whole thing is some kind of Post-Dadaist Neo-Absurdist stab at being the sort of artist that really annoys the squares. You could do that, but someone else probably has beaten you to that idea.

All the Books: Recipe #7 & #8: Hungarian Goulash and Egg Dumplings

So let’s talk about The Great Meat Cookbook by Bruce Aidells with Anne-Marie Ramo for a moment. Just got this book a couple of weeks ago, there is a new bookstore in town and cookbooks are the only physical books I still buy. I don’t trust my tablet in the kitchen with me, I just don’t. The cover price of the book is $40, but I didn’t pay that. I won’t tell you what I did pay, but suffice to say the cost was dear and some people will never be the same. One day, those poor people may learn to forgive.



It’s rare that you can look at the cover of the book and be able to think “I bet there isn’t a single vegan friendly recipe in there.” And yet, there are a couple of sauce recipes that fit that term, so there you go. As far as a book calling itself The Great anything, I am a believer in the old adage that extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof. Well, the book is over 600 pages long, and has a range of recipes that go from simple little one pot meals to more complex things like home cured bacon and handmade sausage. This may just deserve the "Great" moniker. There are also a good amount of information on how to buy meat, which is something people take for granted. If you’re going to cook seriously at any level, you get to a point where you need to be selective, you need to know what cuts of meat look like, how they react to different cooking methods and so on. Even if you’re cooking vegetarian, one tomato is not as good as another and avocados are leather skinned beasts of mystery. There is more to this than simply grabbing meat and throwing it at the oven. You need to turn the oven on too.



Now, I have made goulash before, because I am a man of the world and have done many things. I won’t go into the many things right now, because there is a question of appropriate time and place. However, you can rest assured that I am a man who knows a hawk from a handsaw. I had not made it quite like this though, and I had not made the error I made this time before. The mistake still haunts me, to this day. One day, I will strip off my clothes and stand naked before The Gods and ask them to forgive this fallen shell of flesh, but it is not this day.



See, there is a thing in some cookbooks call The Optional Ingredient, and I have always said not going for what they put on the page is the act of a coward. I am a brave man, and thus I put the hot Hungarian paprika into the dish. And lo, I was brought low by my hubris and have been humbled. I put the spoonful into my mouth and Toyo-Uke-Bime herself appeared before me and demanded an explanation as to what exactly I had done. Okay, maybe it wasn’t quite that much, I mean... it was just a little too spicy. It was otherwise good, just a little too hot. Point is, you can skip the hot paprika and go for the normal stuff.



So let’s talk about those dumplings. There is a great quote about dumplings and I think it would be appropriate to share it here... “Real dumplings, proper dumplings when they are properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings should not bounce!” -- David Lister. I did not make proper dumplings. I had forgotten the face of my father and I overworked my dumpling batter. This time it was Hestia who turned up with a stern “Dude, what the hell?” because... dumplings are also water and flour... and thus bread? I don’t know. Listen, when you talk to them later, you can ask each of these gods why they chose to turn up and berate me for my cooking. So basically, they tasted pretty good, but my dumplings were stones that had super hot spicy stuff poured over them. Needless to say, it was not my finest hour, but I got by and lived to tell the tale.



And of course, if I hadn’t said anything, you would never know. Because it looks fantastic, and that’s all you’ll get on the internet. If you hung out with me, you could eat this sort of thing, but you don’t so you can’t. I am not responsible for your poor life choices.

All the Books: Recipe #5 & #6 Broiled Steak with Pizzaiola Sauce and Stuffed Baked Potatoes

It was a birthday this week? I made two things and photographed them on the same plate without thinking and went with it? It’s summer and we need a Giant Sized Issue like the old Marvel system? This is one of those things. That’s the introduction, that’s the whole thing, that’s all I got. If only Jack Kirby were here to draw the cover. We could use it, because I forgot to photograph the cover for Cooking School Italian, which is no great loss because it’s just a nice, but somewhat basic, photo of some ingredients. You’d be able to see that if you clicked the link. It’s not a bad cover, it’s actually a very good photo, it’s just not something you’re going to want to frame and point to and tell people that picture changed your life. Or maybe it will, I don’t know what changed your life. I tell you what? Here's a link to the cover. Did it change your life? Well, did clicking that link waste a lot of your time? So there you go.



Cooking School Italian was actually bought at about the same time, if not the same trip as Cook's Bible, which goes for fourteen cents on Amazon and has a two star rating. I get it, the book is a little basic for a thing purporting to be a bible. Although a bible (small B) is technically a book that is made up of other books, edited for content. The Soup Bible from a couple of weeks ago is a proper bible, but as it is not religious is probably not a Proper Bible. Unless Soup is something you take so seriously as to be religious about it. Where was I? These are both from a company called Love Food, which is itself an imprint of Paragon Press. I only mention this because it appears these are original books to Paragon, because as we will see in the following weeks and months, several of these books get bought of up and reprinted by numerous companies over time.



I wanted a steak and some potatoes for dinner that day, so I chose the two dishes in the title. I also chose to photograph them very dramatically because it was that time of day and the light was good. Now the steak was steak, and I very much liked the Pizzaiola sauce, but Syd is rarely impressed with tomato sauce. I didn’t blend the tomatoes, preferring the chunkier look we have in the photos. The Stuffed Baked Potatoes are just twice baked with a fancy name. They did call for blue cheese, which I had never tried in a combination like this, but will do again. The recipe asked for either cheddar or blue, but I went half and half, and that worked well. I also put the ham bits on top instead of working them into the potato and that worked less well because they got a little burned. Not so burned so bad we couldn’t eat them, but more than is preferred.



Now I am going to talk a moment about steaks. I like medium well to well done, depending on my mood and the cut of meat, I will even take medium some times, but I rarely like rare. That’s my thing and as I’m the one that has to eat it I would rather cooked to my liking. One too many cheap steaks were served to me at a formative time of my life and chewing disgustingly raw meat like it’s bubble gum will put you off rare for life. True story, I didn’t eat steak for three years because bad cooks and atrocious cuts convinced me I just didn’t like it. This is one of the reasons I generally cook my own food, and why I rarely order steak at a place I’ve never been to before.



I have since learned how to pick a good steak at the store and what cuts are probably going to give the best experience and how to spot a place with good steaks and can sometimes even go for a flat medium. Sadly, it would take longer than I have, and more diagrams and photos than I want to link today to explain the process. One thing I have found over the years is you can make a good steak by rotating more than once. Don’t listen to the one side and then the other guides. Do two minutes a side and then flip, if you want well done, just do it more times. This has always worked for me. Additionally, if you are cooking for people who like well done and people who like rare, put the rare steak on the heat last. That way, everyone’s food will be done at the same time. I know this sounds like really basic stuff, but you’d be amazed the people who have treated this like a bolt of inspiration, so I thought I’d mention it.

All the Books: Recipe #4 – Lamb Shanks Rosemary

There is a book that I inherited when my mother died called The New Complete Book of Cookery, and it comes from a company called Tee Vee Books. Wait... what? TeeVee Books? What the hell is that? Can’t find a hell of a lot on the internet about this. There is literally no author, there is a forward that only mentions The Editor, like they’re The Mysterious Package Company or something. The copyright is to a Paul Hamlyn PTY LTD, which is in Australia and... that’s about all I know. Book was printed in Japan, I’m out of fun facts about this book. Seriously, Unless you want a link to the Paul Hamlyn Foundation, I am pulling the ripcord on the factual part of this paragraph and diving into Speculation Bay. The name makes me think this was ordered through a TV commercial. Order now, operators are standing by, but wait, there’s more, sort of thing.

The internet seems to think there was once a slip cover to this book, but that’s gone long ago and all we have is this red leatherette. Something that bugs me about this book... the title on the spine is upside down. LISTEN! When you place a book on a table, with the cover facing up, the title on the spine should be situated so you can read it. Almost all books get this, why can’t The New Complete Book of Cookery? Answer me 46 year old book! This is also one of those books where there are a total of ten glossy pages so there are very few pictures of the food,. There are also very short recipes. That shot? That’s the whole thing. Nothing in life will prepare you for a four sentence recipe. I’ve found more detailed instructions in recipes from the back of soup cans.

So I had these four lamb shanks, and I had NO idea what to do with them. Now some of you, the cynical ones, are thinking I began grabbing books at random and frantically pawed through them. I just want to you know I am deeply disappointed in you and your cynicism is destroying us from within. No, I grabbed this book at random, opened the book at random, and my eyes landed on this recipe. Because when I go to pick something at random, I roll a Natural 20. If you’re nerdy enough to get that joke, you’re too nerdy to give me shit about dropping such a nerdy joke. Choke on it.

So, here’s the thing. I was going to let this sit in the crock pot while I went to work that day, because I multi task, you know? But that did mean I would need to have juniper berries... on hand... or would have to get them at 9:30 at night when I decided to set up my mise en place. Juniper berries are apparently contraband. I went to three different places, but none of them are the damn international shops that closed at 9. However, after the Gazpacho Disaster, I said we’d play Calvinball and so we shall. Gin works in a pinch and you KNOW that I had some of that on hand. Don’t judge me. Also I was cooking in a crock pot so I was already faking my way through.

So I quick seared the meat in the oven in the morning, put it in the pot with all the pre-cut, pre-weighed, pre-selected stuff. And then I left for like 9 hours with driving time included. Now, I don’t know about you, but my crock pot has two settings. They aren’t even low and high, they are just dots on the surface. I went for number two and hoped. The only problem turned out be that the meat slid from the bones like... oh... I am trying to come up with a metaphor that doesn’t ring as just total filth. Point is, there was no shape or form left to these to be plated, so I did what I could with what was left. This is why the plating is so bad. Harsh language would have caused these little guys to fall apart. Then I made some gravy and potatoes and we were all set. You will noticed mashed potatoes and not rice as the recipe says. Screw you The New Complete Book of Cookery, your title is upside down on your spine and I’m playing Calvinball!

Also, I am aware the plating looks ugly because brown meat on a brown plate is less than appealing. I am doing something about the brown plates. You’ll soon see.

All the Books: Recipe #3 – Gazpacho Soup

All the Books: Recipe #3 – Gazpacho Soup

So I have a copy of a rather large cookbook called The Ultimate Soup Bible, and again I believe it to be an amalgam of other cookbooks that have been gangbanged into existence by smashing multiple cook books into each other, Large Hadron Collider style, and then excising everything not soup. As a result of such thins, we are going to have the occasional error, like a DNA molecule that hangs on and still causes us to have an appendix long after the usefulness has gone. Like an appendix, sometimes the whole thing gets infected, and then swells, and explodes, and kills you. Errors occur, things lurk, horrors exist in racial memory like the understanding of weird gods the world forgot. I don’t blame Consulting Editor Anne Sheasby for the recipe, only for its continued inclusion.

I’ve used The Ultimate Soup Bible before, and have made gazpacho a fair number of times, so I know both of those things are good. It’s this one recipe, actually it’s down to one step. After I had cut the ingredients down to small pieces and deposited them into the container, the crazy bastard who wrote this recipe (credited as A. Alhazred) then required it be dumped into a blender or food processor and then blended until “well combined but still chunky” and at that point it basically became a nameless horror from beyond the void. The colors were off, the texture and flavors were off, it became a bowl of fail. Had I simply stepped away from the precipice, had I only looked into the abyss and not let the abyss look into me, had I but resisted the madness. But no, when they came for the bowl of gazpacho, I said nothing because I was not a bowl of gazpacho. Syd said it tasted fine, and maybe it did, but you can’t prove it by me. She agreed that it was wrong, but she ate it anyway, because she is beyond concepts like good and evil.

I cannot express the level that blending the mixture turned what could have been a good soup into a horror show. Even pop music couldn’t save us. I haven’t done a lot of editing on these photos, the pale looking mess is not a result of bad photography. Do not adjust your set, the soup controls the horizontal, the avocados control the vertical. Yeah. There is also something about avocado salsa, but we’re not even going to talk about THAT walking nightmare. I have not yet mastered the art of picking an avocado, ‘nuff said. So go ahead and skip this one, maybe go for one of the other 399 recipes the book boasts. Of course, at this point, who can tell if one of those others isn’t also an eldrich horror? This, my dears, my darlings, is why faith still exists.

Do not let an error dissuade you from experimentation my friends. A single dark demon from the dungeon dimensions is not the end of the world. Do not despair my lovelies! Let not one set back hold you down. It’s not over! Nothings over until WE say it’s over! Was it over when the marshmallows had been undercooked and I was left with nothing but a mess of green goo that tried to eat a child? NO! Was it over when the two turduckens just wouldn’t cook through? NO! Was it over when... oh hell I don’t even know. There have been a lot of errors in the past. This time though, the error was in following the recipe and not my heart. The idea was to follow the instructions though... and that failed us. Okay, let’s go full Calvinball!

I had to bribe Pitching Wizard into the photo through the use promise of booze.

All the Books: Recipe #2 – Sweet Corn Cakes.

So this week’s cookbook is “The Best of Waffles & Pancakes” By Jane Stacey. A friend of mine named Suze gave me this book one... Birthday? Christmas? Arbor Day? VEWPRF? Halloween? Some gift giving time. She’s a wonderful person and there was a time when having a personal brand seemed important for reasons that don’t make sense anymore when I try to think of them. There was a time when I would talk about waffles like they were a holy item. There was nothing more spectacular to me than a plate of waffles. But something changed you guys, something died inside me and I try to pretend that it’s just maturity taking root, but the reality is that I would give almost anything to get idiotically excited about a plate of waffles again. Since my ancient branding involved waffles, it was of course natural that someone would get me a cookbook. Well, Suze did.



It’s a pretty good cookbook, and has a fair amount of recipes that you can shift and adapt. It’s just... well... here’s the thing. They aren’t messing around when they tell you this is a best of collection. This is a super slim volume, as you can see in the photos of my two co-hosts. Yes, we have Pitching Wizard, we will always have Pitching Wizard, but there is also a bottle of Zombie Killer from B. Nektar, which I quite enjoy. The point is, that is not a thick volume, it comes in at just under 100 pages. There is a catch all crepe recipe, and a base pancake and waffle recipe that can be adapted for any purpose though. They didn’t waste time, space or paper in the production of this book. Recipes are well laid out, and this one has separate list of ingredients for the relish that goes with the cake. Had I paid a little better attention, I wouldn’t have made my fatal mistake.



I try to make things to the book the first time I make them. If I am trying a recipe out, I will make it exactly to how the writer said, so I can judge if it’s good or not. If you ever want to adapt, that’s fine, but the first time make it to the book. The reason is, if you don’t love it, then you know it’s not because you substituted sour cream for heavy cream and threw the balance of liquids off. Speaking of throwing off the balance and making the dish go wrong... I put balsamic vinegar in the cake, rather than in the relish. I lost focus for that one fateful second. I let my mind wander. I have no excuse and can only throw myself on your tender mercies. I noticed I had made the mistake, so the relish got it’s vinegar, but so did the cake. The result is that my cakes were not a crisp on the outside or as light as they should have been. I am not a down-home cook, I don’t think I ever made a fritter in my life before this experience. However, I have eaten some and “chewy” should not be the adjective that leaps to mind. So I screwed up a little, but that’s on me.



The resulting dish tasted good though. There was a good balance between flavors, and the relish worked quite nicely with the steaks we had along with the cakes. So not a perfect effort, but probably the next time I make these I’ll do better. When will I make them again though? In a year or two? I have a lot of cookbooks to go. That’s sort of going to become a problem . If the family likes something, when will we ever get to eat something twice? I guess I’ll worry about that later, for now the case calls to me and I must go and pick another book. Another recipe must be made and another photo shoot and post written.



Witness me.

If the Food Didn't Kill You, You Probably Cooked it Fine.

People get very defensive about articles like these, you know why? Because they resent someone stating their preference as solid fact. And I think they REALLY resent someone who, to them, is completely unproven telling them that they can't cook. I have never heard of this person before in my life, why the hell should I listen to them? No, really. I've never heard of them, and at least the way the article quoted them makes them sound like a complete dickhead.

I'm gonna throw it down right here. I'm gonna say it. There is no right or wrong way to cook an egg. There is a preferable method that will yield the result you are looking for, but there is really no wrong way. This is very much an issue of tone and I'll bet 4 out of 5 people who commented on this article didn't really read it, they just reacted to the smug, irritating tone. Some of them clearly only read the kind of offensive headline and wrote the whole thing off from there. Because being told you're doing it wrong is an instant way to get people worked up though, and works as effective click bait, they went with that. Problem is, people are now not going to buy this person's book, because they think he's an asshole who tells you that you can't cook. And people are basically tired of being told they're doing everything wrong by worthless foodies who are a blight on humanity. And how hard would it be to say "This is a great method that you might like." instead of "UR DOIN IT WRONG!" which annoys people? It's not just this article, almost every other food article is dedicated to telling you that you're either cooking wrong, or eating wrong, or dining out wrong, or having the wrong thing, and I just think about my Grandma, who would have put a stiletto between your third and fourth rib if you told her she shouldn't be eating what she's eating.

And, allow me to state for the record, if you served my grandmother the runny-ass eggs this person is suggesting, she would have garroted you. Grandma didn't fuck around when it came to breakfast and I still have a scar across my left shoulder from the day she grazed me with a .22 for over cooking her bacon. Light and fluffy, that's the scrambled egg my grandmother showed me. And when the person teaching you killed six men with a ball peen hammer the night before, let's just say you pay attention. Are grandma's eggs cooked wrong? No. Was Grandma wrong? A little impetuous perhaps. I still maintain those last two were trying to surrender. However, I loved my grandma too much to deny her the joy of smacking their heads like grapefruit. Grandma loved the old ultra-violence so.

Anyway, the method explained here is fine, but don't think it's the one true way. I can take either to me honest, but that's because I'm agreeable. Always be agreeable, no one wants to try and kill the guy who agrees to things and once hung a Bulgarian on a meathook for seven hours patiently and agreeably watching him bleed out. To be fair, he did have that coming, and I was doing the whole smiling and nodding and saying "Yes, for the love of god." bit which worries people to no end when you can make it go seven hours. You don't kill my protegee, them's the rules.

There is no one true way in cooking. Cook things the way you want to eat them, learn different methods so you can find out what you like, and leave people who tell you that you're eating or cooking wrong tied to a tree in the desert and listen for them coyotes. That's what Grandma would ave done to this guy. Grandma loved to hear a man being torn apart by coyotes. She was a cruel woman, and deeply unfair in her cruelty.

Love you grandma, miss you everyday.

New Cocktails: Shining Citrus

A relatively simple drink, easy to make for large groups. It might be suitable for a wedding, but that would depend on your view. I invented it for a wedding back in ’98, sadly the groom was the son of a powerful... this isn’t important. We got to drink the thing, that’s the important part. The bullets didn’t start flying until after they’d cut the cake. And the young couple got away, that’s probably important. I had some hand in that, but unlike some people I don’t doubt the prophecy just because I helped bring it about.

3 ounces Grand Marnier
A pinch each of Edible Gold and Edible Silver flakes.
½ ounce simple syrup
Top up champagne or sparkling white wine.

As this is really something you need to tell someone else to make for you.
They need to start an hour ahead of time, putting the cognac and champagne in the freezer to make them both as cold as Valley Forge. You want them to Sprinkle a pinch of gold and silver into each champagne flute, which should be properly chilled ahead of time as well. Once all is ready, they’ll need to put the three ponies of cognac into each glass and then top up with the champagne.

If you’re feeling frisky, why not put a sugar pearl in with the silver and gold. Those of you in the advance class, might wish to lace the pearls with acid, but watch out for grandma if you do it at a wedding. Grandma is notoriously hard to deal with when she’s twisted on sunshine.

Goddamn Quiche Goddamnit!

There is a book called Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche, and as far as I can tell, the contents are what it says on the cover. I don’t know if it’s meant as satire on the attitude that men don’t eat quiche, or if it really means it. I’ve never read it, and I’m not really interested, because we’re past that crap. Also, I read more satire before I was ten than most people read their whole lives. I know, it explains a lot.

Real Men are secure enough in their sexuality to eat whatever the hell they want. It’s the 400 pound gorilla issue really. Or, if I may get a bit True Scotsman on your ass, no Real Man would be afraid to eat quiche and pronounce it thus. Yeah, how do you like that? Now you gotta eat it or you’re a sissy little girl. Wait, that implies an insult to both sissies and little girls and I don’t want to limit my audience. Hmm, ah well, can’t worry about every damn thing. Let’s get to the quiche!

The thing is, quiche is actually pretty manly. It’s a pie, which is already 30-50 times more manly than cake. Second, it’s your whole breakfast in one bite. Done right, it should have egg, cheese, bacon, and ham in each and every mouthful. Yeah, we ain’t got time for sitting around breaking off bits of this and a corner of that WE IS MENS! We get the whole thing in each bite. It doesn’t fall apart, so you can eat it with your hands, and members of the advanced class can put raw steak in it. If quiche were any more manly, it would come with a cock!

Quiche is pretty simple really. What you need is three eggs and half a cup of cream. That’s it. That’s all. You can have a full cup cream or only two eggs, because personal preference comes fairly heavily into this. Personal preference can also come into dress as well. You can make your quiche while wearing a tutu, or a heavy camo army jacket. Advanced class members may wear both, but only if you also wear combat boots and a tiara. For my quiche though, it’s three eggs, one half cup cream. Your pie crust, amounts of filling, and how runny or firm you like things is going to have an effect on everything in this recipe, so experiment.

Eggs are cheap, cream is pretty cheap and you can use milk if you want. But I’m not just talking about eggs here. Buy some silk panties your size, wear a tank top, listen to Wagner, date someone of a variety you’d never thought to date before. Go out with people of both genders and all races, give everything a try. Drink heavily, at least once, just so you know what a hangover feels like. Go dancing until dawn and watch the sun come up while listening to soft Elizabethan music. Add pointless examples to a recipe to pad out your paragraphs. See what works for you, then do that. In all things.

For filling, the recipe is going to call for one thing and I’m going to tell you another. What I’m going to tell you here, between us, is that anything cooked can be used. Whatever leftovers are in the fridge can be used, from hash browned potatoes to that chicken chow mein from the other night. I suppose some raw things like celery or lettuce can be put in, but I’d feel more comfortable if you cooked them first. It’s going to end up cooked no matter what, but yeah, I’d cook things. The only thing you need to make sure of is that it’ll fit your pie crust before you begin. If you don’t know, then use the original method for pouring and filling described below.

Speaking of pie crusts, you can buy ready made from your grocer’s freezer. Here’s the really cool part about this... no one is ever going to know. Yeah, there are some things that are special and you want to do those things right, but this isn’t one of them. This is an egg and bacon pie. Just get a ready to bake crust and use that. Usually, the ones I buy come in pairs, so I always make two quiches at a go. You can bake them before hand, just to make them nice and crispy, or not. I’ve tried it both ways, and I’ve still not made my mind up. The pros say you should bake the crust before hand, which means beans or weights, or trying to gently flatten the crust when it tries to rise a bit.

Now my basic quiche is a ham and spinach number. I’m not a big fan of gruyere, so I used cheddar and parmesan. You know what you like? Get that. If you don’t know what you like, try everything. Actually try everything anyway. You want to be a person? You gotta try stuff, otherwise you’re just another useless lump of half-evolved non-humanity. Ain’t got time for that shit. Ain’t nobody got time for that shit. I get some finely diced ham, about ¾ of a cup, ¼ a pound of bacon, one clove of garlic, half a yellow onion, and a big handful of spinach that you’ve sliced. Now, what you want to do is slice everything small and put it in a frying pan. Bacon first, ham second, garlic third, onion fourth, spinach last. Now of course, when I make it, I double these amounts because of the two pie pans, so keep that in mind if you have two. Make sure the bacon is cooked before throwing in the ham, make sure the ham is browned before adding the garlic and onions, and let them sit for a little while before adding the spinach. Now remember, the spinach is going to look like a big old mess, but it will reduce in size with the heat. Just give it a tossing around until it wilts down and becomes manageable. This will all be fairly quick. When the filling is done, take it off the heat, maybe drain it if you don’t want to die of cholesterol poisoning, and set it aside. You have to let it get cool, or you will ruin everything and I will despise you.

Now comes the eggs! Put the eggs and milk into a bowl, add some seasoning if you desire. A bit of salt and pepper are fine, chives are nice, just make sure anything you add is chopped very small or is dried and crumbles well. Get yourself a whisk and do what a whisk was born to do. You don’t need to get it foamy or anything, just mixed up nicely will do. Now this is the unorthodox bit. Most the recipes for quiche I’ve seen have said you should arrange the ingredients on the crust and then pour the mixture over them. That’s the traditional way and you can have it if you want it. Here is a method I’ve used to some success though. You know that stuff we made a little while ago and put aside? I bet it’s cool enough not to cook the eggs right away. Let’s put it in the egg mix, with the cheese and then mix it all up before pouring it into the pie crust. This will ensure everything is held together by the egg and it won’t fall apart too much on the fork. However, if you’re interested in presentation, layering looks better. Really though, that’s not important. WE IS MENS!

What is important is that you remember to cook the quiche properly. Here is what I’ve found works best for me. I put it in a 475° oven, which I drop to 350° after about 5 minutes. Then I leave it for about 30 minutes, checking on it every ten minutes after that. When done right, the top should be set, but if you jiggle the pan you should see just a little bit of wiggling in the center. Not a lot of wiggling mind you, just a little. At that point remove from oven and let it sit for about fifteen minutes to firm up before cutting into it.

Now, here’s the thing, that is a hell of a lot of quiche. I mean, a lot of quiche. Even I can’t eat all of that quiche and I AM A MAN! So here’s what you do. Cut it into quarters, wrap each quarter in foil, put it in a ziplock bag and put it in the freezer. This will ensure that shame does not fall upon your house and you won’t be forced to commit seppuku when the shogun shows up and asks for some quiche. The Shogun is an inveterate quiche bum. He never has any himself, and always wants some of yours when he shows up. But he can order you to commit ritual suicide. So... you know... have some on hand. When you want some, you can either microwave it, or put in the oven at about 350 for fifteen to twenty minutes. If you put it in the oven, let it thaw first, or it’ll get weird. Don’t let things get weird, don’t do that to me.



Let’s get something we can put on a printable card

For Quiche
2 ready made pie crusts
6 Eggs
1 cup cream
½ cup grated parmesan
½ cup cheddar

For filling
1 ½ cup diced ham
½ pound thick cut bacon
2 cloves of garlic
1 yellow onion (diced)
2 cups Spinach (roughly cut)


Cook all the pie filling together in a pan. Set aside and allow to cool. In medium bowl, whisk the eggs and cream together. Add the cheese and filling, continue to mix with a spoon, spatula, or food safe sex toy. Pour mixture into pie pans evenly, then place in a 475° oven. After 5 minutes, lower temperature to 350° and continue baking for about 30 minutes or until quiche is set with a bit of wiggle in the center. Allow to cool for 15 minutes before serving.

Serves 8, but stores well and can be enjoyed later.