Etiquette: Roaring Rampage of Revenge

When one is intent on murdering those who wronged one, one must keep several things in mind. For starters, if one is not an unstoppable badass, training must begin in the deadly arts. Until one is an undeniable ass kicker, one cannot begin a quest of vengeance. Go to China, Japan, or if on a budget, the Bronx. Find a little old man, who is a master of a deadly art and get him to teach you.

Once training in the deadly arts is completed (research shows this normally takes between three weeks and two months) one must then obtain weapons. The proper weapon is one that would prove impractical under any other circumstances. A sword, an axe, machete, or a carefully planned out multi-million dollar scheme of pretending to be an important dignitary in order to lure your unsuspecting wrong doers into your clutches so you can pick them off one by one.

When going on a rampage of revenge, always make sure only to kill those who actually wronged you and any minions attempting to defend them. Never injury a family member, child, or innocent employee so long as they stay out of your way. In many cases, the people you’re getting revenge on have other people who are mad at them as well. Remember, the people closest to them might be the ones most apt to sell them out.




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New Cocktails: Purple Thing (A drink for nice people)

I can’t say this cocktail was invented in any one place. It evolved over years, adding and subtracting elements. There was a time when the drink took four hours to prepare, and then you needed to find a naked 19 year old French virgin to serve it. Eventually though, as the supply of virgins began to run out, I subtracted ingredients until I got the drink down to these four. This drink should be served cold, keep your gin and rum in the freezer.

2 measures Gin
2 measures White rum
Top up Black Currant juice
4 Blackberries


Smash blackberries in a highball glass with a muddler. Pour gin and rum into the glass. Fill glass with ice. Slowly fill with black currant juice. If you like, you can still have a naked 19 year old serve the drink, but I’ve learned that virtue has no bearing on the taste. The server should present the drink on their knees, holding a silver tray in both hands. If you are so inclined, a collar may be worn, but not everyone does their drinking ‘in the community’ as it were. Since the drink was finally perfected in France, I still think a French nude is the best for this sort of thing, and a blond if you can find one at short notice.