Goddamn Quiche Goddamnit!

There is a book called Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche, and as far as I can tell, the contents are what it says on the cover. I don’t know if it’s meant as satire on the attitude that men don’t eat quiche, or if it really means it. I’ve never read it, and I’m not really interested, because we’re past that crap. Also, I read more satire before I was ten than most people read their whole lives. I know, it explains a lot.

Real Men are secure enough in their sexuality to eat whatever the hell they want. It’s the 400 pound gorilla issue really. Or, if I may get a bit True Scotsman on your ass, no Real Man would be afraid to eat quiche and pronounce it thus. Yeah, how do you like that? Now you gotta eat it or you’re a sissy little girl. Wait, that implies an insult to both sissies and little girls and I don’t want to limit my audience. Hmm, ah well, can’t worry about every damn thing. Let’s get to the quiche!

The thing is, quiche is actually pretty manly. It’s a pie, which is already 30-50 times more manly than cake. Second, it’s your whole breakfast in one bite. Done right, it should have egg, cheese, bacon, and ham in each and every mouthful. Yeah, we ain’t got time for sitting around breaking off bits of this and a corner of that WE IS MENS! We get the whole thing in each bite. It doesn’t fall apart, so you can eat it with your hands, and members of the advanced class can put raw steak in it. If quiche were any more manly, it would come with a cock!

Quiche is pretty simple really. What you need is three eggs and half a cup of cream. That’s it. That’s all. You can have a full cup cream or only two eggs, because personal preference comes fairly heavily into this. Personal preference can also come into dress as well. You can make your quiche while wearing a tutu, or a heavy camo army jacket. Advanced class members may wear both, but only if you also wear combat boots and a tiara. For my quiche though, it’s three eggs, one half cup cream. Your pie crust, amounts of filling, and how runny or firm you like things is going to have an effect on everything in this recipe, so experiment.

Eggs are cheap, cream is pretty cheap and you can use milk if you want. But I’m not just talking about eggs here. Buy some silk panties your size, wear a tank top, listen to Wagner, date someone of a variety you’d never thought to date before. Go out with people of both genders and all races, give everything a try. Drink heavily, at least once, just so you know what a hangover feels like. Go dancing until dawn and watch the sun come up while listening to soft Elizabethan music. Add pointless examples to a recipe to pad out your paragraphs. See what works for you, then do that. In all things.

For filling, the recipe is going to call for one thing and I’m going to tell you another. What I’m going to tell you here, between us, is that anything cooked can be used. Whatever leftovers are in the fridge can be used, from hash browned potatoes to that chicken chow mein from the other night. I suppose some raw things like celery or lettuce can be put in, but I’d feel more comfortable if you cooked them first. It’s going to end up cooked no matter what, but yeah, I’d cook things. The only thing you need to make sure of is that it’ll fit your pie crust before you begin. If you don’t know, then use the original method for pouring and filling described below.

Speaking of pie crusts, you can buy ready made from your grocer’s freezer. Here’s the really cool part about this... no one is ever going to know. Yeah, there are some things that are special and you want to do those things right, but this isn’t one of them. This is an egg and bacon pie. Just get a ready to bake crust and use that. Usually, the ones I buy come in pairs, so I always make two quiches at a go. You can bake them before hand, just to make them nice and crispy, or not. I’ve tried it both ways, and I’ve still not made my mind up. The pros say you should bake the crust before hand, which means beans or weights, or trying to gently flatten the crust when it tries to rise a bit.

Now my basic quiche is a ham and spinach number. I’m not a big fan of gruyere, so I used cheddar and parmesan. You know what you like? Get that. If you don’t know what you like, try everything. Actually try everything anyway. You want to be a person? You gotta try stuff, otherwise you’re just another useless lump of half-evolved non-humanity. Ain’t got time for that shit. Ain’t nobody got time for that shit. I get some finely diced ham, about ¾ of a cup, ¼ a pound of bacon, one clove of garlic, half a yellow onion, and a big handful of spinach that you’ve sliced. Now, what you want to do is slice everything small and put it in a frying pan. Bacon first, ham second, garlic third, onion fourth, spinach last. Now of course, when I make it, I double these amounts because of the two pie pans, so keep that in mind if you have two. Make sure the bacon is cooked before throwing in the ham, make sure the ham is browned before adding the garlic and onions, and let them sit for a little while before adding the spinach. Now remember, the spinach is going to look like a big old mess, but it will reduce in size with the heat. Just give it a tossing around until it wilts down and becomes manageable. This will all be fairly quick. When the filling is done, take it off the heat, maybe drain it if you don’t want to die of cholesterol poisoning, and set it aside. You have to let it get cool, or you will ruin everything and I will despise you.

Now comes the eggs! Put the eggs and milk into a bowl, add some seasoning if you desire. A bit of salt and pepper are fine, chives are nice, just make sure anything you add is chopped very small or is dried and crumbles well. Get yourself a whisk and do what a whisk was born to do. You don’t need to get it foamy or anything, just mixed up nicely will do. Now this is the unorthodox bit. Most the recipes for quiche I’ve seen have said you should arrange the ingredients on the crust and then pour the mixture over them. That’s the traditional way and you can have it if you want it. Here is a method I’ve used to some success though. You know that stuff we made a little while ago and put aside? I bet it’s cool enough not to cook the eggs right away. Let’s put it in the egg mix, with the cheese and then mix it all up before pouring it into the pie crust. This will ensure everything is held together by the egg and it won’t fall apart too much on the fork. However, if you’re interested in presentation, layering looks better. Really though, that’s not important. WE IS MENS!

What is important is that you remember to cook the quiche properly. Here is what I’ve found works best for me. I put it in a 475° oven, which I drop to 350° after about 5 minutes. Then I leave it for about 30 minutes, checking on it every ten minutes after that. When done right, the top should be set, but if you jiggle the pan you should see just a little bit of wiggling in the center. Not a lot of wiggling mind you, just a little. At that point remove from oven and let it sit for about fifteen minutes to firm up before cutting into it.

Now, here’s the thing, that is a hell of a lot of quiche. I mean, a lot of quiche. Even I can’t eat all of that quiche and I AM A MAN! So here’s what you do. Cut it into quarters, wrap each quarter in foil, put it in a ziplock bag and put it in the freezer. This will ensure that shame does not fall upon your house and you won’t be forced to commit seppuku when the shogun shows up and asks for some quiche. The Shogun is an inveterate quiche bum. He never has any himself, and always wants some of yours when he shows up. But he can order you to commit ritual suicide. So... you know... have some on hand. When you want some, you can either microwave it, or put in the oven at about 350 for fifteen to twenty minutes. If you put it in the oven, let it thaw first, or it’ll get weird. Don’t let things get weird, don’t do that to me.



Let’s get something we can put on a printable card

For Quiche
2 ready made pie crusts
6 Eggs
1 cup cream
½ cup grated parmesan
½ cup cheddar

For filling
1 ½ cup diced ham
½ pound thick cut bacon
2 cloves of garlic
1 yellow onion (diced)
2 cups Spinach (roughly cut)


Cook all the pie filling together in a pan. Set aside and allow to cool. In medium bowl, whisk the eggs and cream together. Add the cheese and filling, continue to mix with a spoon, spatula, or food safe sex toy. Pour mixture into pie pans evenly, then place in a 475° oven. After 5 minutes, lower temperature to 350° and continue baking for about 30 minutes or until quiche is set with a bit of wiggle in the center. Allow to cool for 15 minutes before serving.

Serves 8, but stores well and can be enjoyed later.