Five Things (Rules for Sex Edition)

These rules are written from a male point of view. That's because they are MY rules and I wrote them.

Rule 1: Don't bang drunk chicks. Reason 1) How can you really claim consent? Reason 2) Was it her attracted to you, or was it old Jim Beam showing his bi side again?

Rule 2: Don’t stick your dick in the crazy. Reason 1) Because a psycho will go psycho on you. Reason 2) YOU NEED ANOTHER REASON?

Rule 3: Protection! Use it, carry it, live by it. Protection is your friend. Reason 1) STDs suck! 2) Unwanted pregnancies also suck.

Rule 4: It's not a race, the person who crosses the finish line first doesn't actually win. Reason 1) Your partner might also like to achieve orgasm. Reason 2) A reputation for being a minute man is harder to shake and more damaging to your ability to perform than an untreated case of the clap.

Rule 5: A gentleman never discusses. A scoundrel will tell all at any moment. A gentleman scoundrel will hint and explain bits if asked, but always leave an air of mystery.

Etiquette: Finding a corpse in your bed

When one awakes, or returns home, to find the shell of a former person in their bed, one should never panic. First, make sure the person in front of you is actually dead. If they aren’t, you need to move to a different section of the book. Depending on your feelings toward them, one may either save their life or finish the job with a table lamp. It is for reasons like this that we always suggest one keep a heavy, metal bedside lamp.

A corpse in one’s own bed is never an ideal situation. If one must have a dead body kept around, which we don’t suggest you do, one should keep them in places that aren’t intimate to one. Of course the first thing to do upon finding (or making) a corpse in one’s bed is to ask oneself some questions.

- Do I know the deceased?
- How long has this been here?
- How did they die?
- How did it get here?
- Why my bed?
- Did I kill them?
- Is this something I did during one of those horrid black out periods?
- Should I leave the country and change my name or is this no big thing?

When one has answered these questions, at least given oneself a cursory answer, the proper disposal becomes and issue.

If one is sure that the body has been placed by accident or by enemies, simply call the proper authorities or a trusted removal service and let them deal with it. That is what they’re there for after all. Only a lunatic would keep a dead body in their bed and if one has a clean slate legally, then one will be all right. There may be some unpleasantness to deal with, but one can sort those rat-bastards out later.

If you believe you may be responsible for the current state of the corpse, then measures will have to be taken. If one committed the killing at the behest of voices in one’s head, now would be a good time to take their advice for disposal. The voices are usually right in these matters and it would be a disaster to stop listening now.



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Interesting Facts: Zebras

The zebra is actually a kind of cat that went vegan in the 15th century and traded in its claws for hooves during the War of the Roses. They kept their distinct stripy pattern however, because it looked cool and allowed them to lord their fashion sense over other animals on the plains.

Zebras are well known in the field of research as being amazingly good at First Person Shooter video games, but rubbish at JRPGs. They’ve been used extensively to test the latest games in the FPS market and one recently won the Tour De Shooter contest over 300 humans and an orangutan in a zebra costume.