New Cocktails: Good Fairy

A good fairy, rather than just a green one.

I invented this cocktail while staying in England with a pair of Parisian girls. It would be inaccurate to say I was “with” them exactly, but it wouldn’t be correct to say that nothing went on between the three of us. We were there for reasons beyond simply enjoying ourselves though, you might have read about the diamonds going missing. The largest Diamond Heist in English history tends to get noticed. I was annoyed, to say the least, because I don’t like my exploits to make the papers and that one did. However, as I was never officially implicated, I can discuss the matter now.

None of that is important, what is important was that I invented this little drink as something to pass the time between waiting in that farmhouse for The Greek to arrive and actually going into action. It’s a strong little drink, but then, they were strong girls.

2 measures Absinthe
2 measures Blue Curaçao
1 measure White rum
1 measure Orange juice

Put all in a cocktail mixing glass with ice. Stir with a novelty swizzle stick. strain into a champagne glass and serve. Be careful though, you may find yourself on the run from Interpol by the end of the night.

Interesting Facts: Belgium

Despite what you may have been told, Belgium is not actually a country. It is a loose confederation of City States who don't actually like each other, but are even more dedicated to the idea that they don't want to be considered French. Mapmakers simply called the place "Belgium" after the waffle, which is actually known as a Belgiumed waffle since the deeper divots in such a products are called belgiums.




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Old Cocktails: Gimlet

A Gimlet is a very simple cocktail, but it still demands to be respected. There are some, like Terry Lennox, who say it should be nothing more than half gin and half Rose’s Lime Juice. Others describe it as gin, lime and soda. Some even suggest fresh lime juice and simple syrup. However you choose to do it, the gin and lime is the constant. This is the recipe I was taught while I was in India, doing unspecified things for a client that won’t be named here.

The bar wasn’t one of those big ones you hear about, not a Raffles by any respect. It was a dusty little bar, with a dusty little man, who I eventually got to tell me how to make his famous gimlet. How I got him to give me the recipe is between the two of us and his gambling debt.

Two Measures Bombay Sapphire Gin (As cold as a banker’s heart)
One Measure Rose's Lime Juice (Chilled, but not to any metaphorical extreme)

Pour into a shaker with ice and give a good hardy shake. Strain into a classic old fashioned glass and garnish with a lime slice. Enjoy with your favorite portrait of the fourth President of the United States, James Madison.

Tales I Tell: A month in Bangkok

I know they don’t call it Bangkok in Thailand, but it’s what we called it when we were there. That was an interesting month to say the least. That was when I was traveling with those fellows I met in Greece. They weren’t Greek themselves, that was just where we met. I believe that they were an Israeli-Sino alliance group, although I must point out that I was very drunk at the time. I can’t honestly say I remember what we were doing there, or what my role in the group was supposed to be, again… drunk.

What I mostly remember are the girls from the group, because I almost had feelings for one of them. Her name was Biyu Goldenstien, and she was very likely a Mossad agent with a mixed heritage. Most of the group was made up of Chinese Jews, what with them being an Israeli-Sino alliance group. She was beautiful, and had very nice legs which could crack a man’s neck with a flick of her hips. The other girls were also beautiful, but there was something special between Biyu and myself.

There was something, and it relates to something that happened in Bangkok that year, some sort of crime, a theft or something? That’s the problem with Varinthip, which is a sort of Thai whiskey. I leaves me able to operate a bank vault (apparently) and able to fight off fifteen guards (allegedly) but leaves me more or less unable to remember actually doing it.

Sadly of course, it all came to an end. The details are fuzzy, because of drunkenness, but I do remember being told that they needed to find a goat for some reason, and then someone shot me. I woke up in an Israeli detention center, being screamed at in Hebrew, which was pointless because I didn’t understand it at the time. I tried explaining to them that I was unlearned, but that only brought misery as they soon brought in someone who could speak English to shout at me.

I did get out, because I always do, but that’s a story for another day.

Etiquette: Disposing of an Unwanted Gift

During the holiday season, one will receive many an unwanted gift. No matter what the gift is, who gave it, or why it’s unwanted, there are several steps to removing it from your life. Assuming a gift receipt has not been furnished, or that is not applicable, one should tread carefully. Many things can be returned to stores with out receipts shortly after the holidays, depending on the item and store. If the stores cannot take the item back, simply sell it on the internet or trade it on the street for drugs.

If the unwanted gift is a handmade object however, destruction is your only option. One simply cannot risk the maker seeing their handiwork being sold on ebay, or in the hands of a crack dealer. Fire is usually the best method, although with metal or ceramics you may have to resort to hammers or even throwing it off of a bridge over a deep river.

If worst comes to worst, you may even have to kill the gift giver. This solution is extreme, but is the only answer if they continually pester you about that lovely puke colored sweater they gave you last St. Swiven’s Day. In these situations, it’s often useful to keep an unwanted gift around. An ugly sweater can often work as a makeshift garrote and a “thing that you don’t know what it is, but it’s got a hook for holding it too the wall, except it’s too heavy and broke the hook and besides it’s ugly as hell, whatever it is” can make a perfect bludgeon.



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Interesting Facts: James Watt

James Watt didn’t actually invent the steam engine, what he actually invented was electricity. He lent his name to the measuring of his invention, and later his son used his invention to make a brand of scotch, which he lent his name too. He then used the scotch to power the steam engine which he and his father we busy claiming credit for. Jameson Scotch is currently the only scotch still used to power steam engines.

James Watt was later sued by Steve Steamengine for copyright infringement. The two fought a duel at down in New South Wales where Watt was hiding out from Michael Electricity, who also had a claim to his famous “bottled lightning” which he claimed Watt had stolen.



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