New Cocktails: Red Fizz

A fizzy red drink, for the sort of person who wants their red drink to be fizzy!

I believe I invented this drink on a long weekend in Las Vegas with a man driving a convertible he called “The Red Shark” along with his drugged out companion. I say I believe that’s when I invented it. Actually, I invented it in a lab, while be subjected to mind controlling substances while a secret government agency was trying to indoctrinate me into their MKUltra like program. The result was a failure of course, because the mice and I formed a cabal of our own and over threw the place. I never found out what eventually became of those mice, I hope they’re okay.

2 Measures Raspberry Brandy
1 Measure Spiced Rum
3 measures Cherry Juice
Top up Tonic Water

Pour all, save the tonic water, into a into a tall glass. Stir with a bar spoon ad ice and pour in tonic water.

Etiquette: Stealing From a Party

Every spy, every gentleman burglar, every covert operative will, at some time during their career, have to steal something from the home of a wealthy person. Be it microfilm, a diamond necklace, or possibly the secret formula that all of this trouble has been about. The best time to steal such an item is of course, during a large high profile party. This seems counterintuitive, but it makes perfect sense. A large gathering gives both the opportunity to move freely about the house with the other guest who will be milling about, but also gives one the perfect chance to remain courteous to one’s victim without exposing oneself to unnecessary risk of being caught.

When one enters a party, one must always greet one’s host, even if only for a moment. Congratulate them on throwing a successful party and having such a beautiful home. Remember to compliment their family, current efforts, or any other items of note. The victim must always suppose you’ve been invited and that you are a trusted friend. Then slip away to perform the burglary. Under no circumstances should one reveal that they are going to perform the theft, that’s arrogance and will tip off the plucky and witty security officer that has been loaned to the person for the purposes of the party.

Remember that said security personnel has likely been assigned specifically to stop you.
Always perform ample set up work, making sure the memorize the lay out of the building, any and all security measures and of course check the guest list to see if anyone who might inadvertently recognize you will be in attendance. Always bring your own tools, and remember to clean up the crime scene after yourself, putting everything back in its proper place (saving the object marked out for removal) to prevent premature discovery.

One should leave a memento in the place of the object taken, in deed sometimes a false version of the object is a must. However, a note or token to let people know who exactly has robbed them is often considered polite. One does not wish for people of wealthy and standing to think they were robbed by an ordinary criminal. One must be polite and charming, since it may just be that charm that helps you get away when caught.




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Five Things (Rules for Sex Edition)

These rules are written from a male point of view. That's because they are MY rules and I wrote them.

Rule 1: Don't bang drunk chicks. Reason 1) How can you really claim consent? Reason 2) Was it her attracted to you, or was it old Jim Beam showing his bi side again?

Rule 2: Don’t stick your dick in the crazy. Reason 1) Because a psycho will go psycho on you. Reason 2) YOU NEED ANOTHER REASON?

Rule 3: Protection! Use it, carry it, live by it. Protection is your friend. Reason 1) STDs suck! 2) Unwanted pregnancies also suck.

Rule 4: It's not a race, the person who crosses the finish line first doesn't actually win. Reason 1) Your partner might also like to achieve orgasm. Reason 2) A reputation for being a minute man is harder to shake and more damaging to your ability to perform than an untreated case of the clap.

Rule 5: A gentleman never discusses. A scoundrel will tell all at any moment. A gentleman scoundrel will hint and explain bits if asked, but always leave an air of mystery.

Etiquette: Finding a corpse in your bed

When one awakes, or returns home, to find the shell of a former person in their bed, one should never panic. First, make sure the person in front of you is actually dead. If they aren’t, you need to move to a different section of the book. Depending on your feelings toward them, one may either save their life or finish the job with a table lamp. It is for reasons like this that we always suggest one keep a heavy, metal bedside lamp.

A corpse in one’s own bed is never an ideal situation. If one must have a dead body kept around, which we don’t suggest you do, one should keep them in places that aren’t intimate to one. Of course the first thing to do upon finding (or making) a corpse in one’s bed is to ask oneself some questions.

- Do I know the deceased?
- How long has this been here?
- How did they die?
- How did it get here?
- Why my bed?
- Did I kill them?
- Is this something I did during one of those horrid black out periods?
- Should I leave the country and change my name or is this no big thing?

When one has answered these questions, at least given oneself a cursory answer, the proper disposal becomes and issue.

If one is sure that the body has been placed by accident or by enemies, simply call the proper authorities or a trusted removal service and let them deal with it. That is what they’re there for after all. Only a lunatic would keep a dead body in their bed and if one has a clean slate legally, then one will be all right. There may be some unpleasantness to deal with, but one can sort those rat-bastards out later.

If you believe you may be responsible for the current state of the corpse, then measures will have to be taken. If one committed the killing at the behest of voices in one’s head, now would be a good time to take their advice for disposal. The voices are usually right in these matters and it would be a disaster to stop listening now.



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Interesting Facts: Zebras

The zebra is actually a kind of cat that went vegan in the 15th century and traded in its claws for hooves during the War of the Roses. They kept their distinct stripy pattern however, because it looked cool and allowed them to lord their fashion sense over other animals on the plains.

Zebras are well known in the field of research as being amazingly good at First Person Shooter video games, but rubbish at JRPGs. They’ve been used extensively to test the latest games in the FPS market and one recently won the Tour De Shooter contest over 300 humans and an orangutan in a zebra costume.

New Cocktails: Good Fairy

A good fairy, rather than just a green one.

I invented this cocktail while staying in England with a pair of Parisian girls. It would be inaccurate to say I was “with” them exactly, but it wouldn’t be correct to say that nothing went on between the three of us. We were there for reasons beyond simply enjoying ourselves though, you might have read about the diamonds going missing. The largest Diamond Heist in English history tends to get noticed. I was annoyed, to say the least, because I don’t like my exploits to make the papers and that one did. However, as I was never officially implicated, I can discuss the matter now.

None of that is important, what is important was that I invented this little drink as something to pass the time between waiting in that farmhouse for The Greek to arrive and actually going into action. It’s a strong little drink, but then, they were strong girls.

2 measures Absinthe
2 measures Blue Curaçao
1 measure White rum
1 measure Orange juice

Put all in a cocktail mixing glass with ice. Stir with a novelty swizzle stick. strain into a champagne glass and serve. Be careful though, you may find yourself on the run from Interpol by the end of the night.

Interesting Facts: Belgium

Despite what you may have been told, Belgium is not actually a country. It is a loose confederation of City States who don't actually like each other, but are even more dedicated to the idea that they don't want to be considered French. Mapmakers simply called the place "Belgium" after the waffle, which is actually known as a Belgiumed waffle since the deeper divots in such a products are called belgiums.




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