Etiquette Regarding the Removal of a Co-Worker

No matter what you’re working conditions, at some point it will become necessary to remove a co-worker from the coffee pool and most likely deposit them in a bog of some variety. Method of elimination greatly depends on your individual work environment, but needless to say an actual knife in the back is no longer permissible. Knives tend to cause a lot of blood, which only causes the poor, underpaid cleaning staff to have to work harder. One must remember that the polite individual considers those with a lower social standing as well as those of equal or greater standing. While it may be true that no man is a hero to his valet, one might be a hero to the cleaning woman and her services can become invaluable when disposal of a body is needed.

In most office situations, a bludgeon is inadvisable as one needs room to swing, many hits may be needed, and heads do split open and cause the goo inside to splatter if one gets carried away. The grunts and repeated thunks of the object hitting the skull will also disturb your fellow workers. If one is considering removing a co-worker, that person has probably caused enough grief for the rest of the office and at least their departed should be quiet.

In these quiet situations, a length of phone wire with ballpoint pens at each end for leverage makes a serviceable device to garrote your troublesome desk pilot. Simply throw the wire over the head, wrap it around once and squeeze until life is extinguished. The eyes will bulge, the tongue will protrude from the mouth and swell, but life may remain. Dedication is needed for such a job as this and one must keep continual pressure even after the victim has passed out. Once struggling has ceased, tying a knot into the wire to keep it tight around the throat is often advisable to make certain that all life is squeezed out. If one needs to ensure that no struggling will take place what-so-ever, a single blow delivered to the back of the head with something like a paper weight will often render the donut thief unconscious long enough to wrap the wire around their neck and tie it tight.

When the troublesome ex-employee is dealt with, one may need to remove the body quickly. This is where disturbing your co-workers is acceptable, as you will need their help to remove the former seat warmer. It is considered bad form to abuse the corpse unduly, but leaving it in the dumpster is acceptable as practicality must sometimes rule the day.



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Lovely Things I Own – The Japanese Prints

While I own many ugly, but interesting, objects I also own several objects that are just beautiful to look at. While I've been compiling lists, I've discovered something interesting. Most the really ugly things, I bought myself or my father got for me. Almost all the truly beautiful things, other people gave to me. Or gave to Syd and I, whatever.

Today we'll look at a nice plair of Japanese Woodblock Prints.

Ugly Things I Own – The Hands

Those of you, who have been to my home, will remember that I have excellent tastes. I am a particularly good decorator, even if I tend to think minimalism is something that happens to other people. I have many lovely and interesting things scattered about my home, because I have a spectacular sense of design, color and arrangement. Everyone compliments Syd on the way she’s decorated the house, and then get sort of sheepish when she tells them that most the selection and placement was done by me.

NOW!

Here’s the thing. I don’t just have lovely things. I have a spectacular sense of style, it’s true, but I also have a perverse need to offend that style on occasion.

I also have some wonderfully hideous things. Things that no woman I’ve ever been with has been able to say that she really approves of. We’re going to investigate some of those items, beginning with these fucking things…

These are the hands.

Interesting Facts: Honey Bees

In 1922, Scientists at Cornell University conclusively proved that Honey Bees can’t fly without a Class C Pilot’s license.

Later that same year, at the New Brunswick College for advanced Research it was discovered that honey bees don’t actually make honey but gather it through daring nighttime raids of the nests of the Canadian Honey Wasp who manufacture it from the pollen they steal from Chinese Limpet Ants.



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New Cocktails: Red Fizz

A fizzy red drink, for the sort of person who wants their red drink to be fizzy!

I believe I invented this drink on a long weekend in Las Vegas with a man driving a convertible he called “The Red Shark” along with his drugged out companion. I say I believe that’s when I invented it. Actually, I invented it in a lab, while be subjected to mind controlling substances while a secret government agency was trying to indoctrinate me into their MKUltra like program. The result was a failure of course, because the mice and I formed a cabal of our own and over threw the place. I never found out what eventually became of those mice, I hope they’re okay.

2 Measures Raspberry Brandy
1 Measure Spiced Rum
3 measures Cherry Juice
Top up Tonic Water

Pour all, save the tonic water, into a into a tall glass. Stir with a bar spoon ad ice and pour in tonic water.

Etiquette: Stealing From a Party

Every spy, every gentleman burglar, every covert operative will, at some time during their career, have to steal something from the home of a wealthy person. Be it microfilm, a diamond necklace, or possibly the secret formula that all of this trouble has been about. The best time to steal such an item is of course, during a large high profile party. This seems counterintuitive, but it makes perfect sense. A large gathering gives both the opportunity to move freely about the house with the other guest who will be milling about, but also gives one the perfect chance to remain courteous to one’s victim without exposing oneself to unnecessary risk of being caught.

When one enters a party, one must always greet one’s host, even if only for a moment. Congratulate them on throwing a successful party and having such a beautiful home. Remember to compliment their family, current efforts, or any other items of note. The victim must always suppose you’ve been invited and that you are a trusted friend. Then slip away to perform the burglary. Under no circumstances should one reveal that they are going to perform the theft, that’s arrogance and will tip off the plucky and witty security officer that has been loaned to the person for the purposes of the party.

Remember that said security personnel has likely been assigned specifically to stop you.
Always perform ample set up work, making sure the memorize the lay out of the building, any and all security measures and of course check the guest list to see if anyone who might inadvertently recognize you will be in attendance. Always bring your own tools, and remember to clean up the crime scene after yourself, putting everything back in its proper place (saving the object marked out for removal) to prevent premature discovery.

One should leave a memento in the place of the object taken, in deed sometimes a false version of the object is a must. However, a note or token to let people know who exactly has robbed them is often considered polite. One does not wish for people of wealthy and standing to think they were robbed by an ordinary criminal. One must be polite and charming, since it may just be that charm that helps you get away when caught.




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Five Things (Rules for Sex Edition)

These rules are written from a male point of view. That's because they are MY rules and I wrote them.

Rule 1: Don't bang drunk chicks. Reason 1) How can you really claim consent? Reason 2) Was it her attracted to you, or was it old Jim Beam showing his bi side again?

Rule 2: Don’t stick your dick in the crazy. Reason 1) Because a psycho will go psycho on you. Reason 2) YOU NEED ANOTHER REASON?

Rule 3: Protection! Use it, carry it, live by it. Protection is your friend. Reason 1) STDs suck! 2) Unwanted pregnancies also suck.

Rule 4: It's not a race, the person who crosses the finish line first doesn't actually win. Reason 1) Your partner might also like to achieve orgasm. Reason 2) A reputation for being a minute man is harder to shake and more damaging to your ability to perform than an untreated case of the clap.

Rule 5: A gentleman never discusses. A scoundrel will tell all at any moment. A gentleman scoundrel will hint and explain bits if asked, but always leave an air of mystery.