Interesting Facts: Axe Murderers

The average axe murderer kills 19.7 people over the length of their career, but only kills 5.543 of those with an axe. Only 43% of all axe murderers actually wear a mask or try to conceal their identity in some way. Most are not even mute, but like to sing show tunes while they hack people to death with the axe.

Most axes used by axe murderers are traditional steel, single bladed axes with wood handles and are normally sold by hardware stores with the intention of splitting wood. When asked about newer composite handles, most admit that while the light weight and greater strength might be an advantage, one can’t compare with the classic feel a good strong oak handle gives.



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New Cocktails: Shining Citrus

A relatively simple drink, easy to make for large groups. It might be suitable for a wedding, but that would depend on your view. I invented it for a wedding back in ’98, sadly the groom was the son of a powerful... this isn’t important. We got to drink the thing, that’s the important part. The bullets didn’t start flying until after they’d cut the cake. And the young couple got away, that’s probably important. I had some hand in that, but unlike some people I don’t doubt the prophecy just because I helped bring it about.

3 ounces Grand Marnier
A pinch each of Edible Gold and Edible Silver flakes.
½ ounce simple syrup
Top up champagne or sparkling white wine.

As this is really something you need to tell someone else to make for you.
They need to start an hour ahead of time, putting the cognac and champagne in the freezer to make them both as cold as Valley Forge. You want them to Sprinkle a pinch of gold and silver into each champagne flute, which should be properly chilled ahead of time as well. Once all is ready, they’ll need to put the three ponies of cognac into each glass and then top up with the champagne.

If you’re feeling frisky, why not put a sugar pearl in with the silver and gold. Those of you in the advance class, might wish to lace the pearls with acid, but watch out for grandma if you do it at a wedding. Grandma is notoriously hard to deal with when she’s twisted on sunshine.

Etiquette: Seduction of a Spy

When a young lady enters the espionage field, she may often be asked to do things that would be considered indelicate in polite society. She may even be asked to use her attractive form to seduce unwary men in order to get them to betray government secrets to her. She may even need to lead him to his own certain death in order to fulfill her service contract.

The most important thing to remember is to form a personal detachment. One simply cannot allow oneself to be seduced into betraying one’s own superiors when one was supposed to be doing the betraying. It’s bad form to actually form attachment to one’s target and falling in love is simply not done. It would be incredibly rude to fall in love with a person and still get them to steal state secrets and eventually shoot them when their usefulness has ended. Instead, one must always remember to avoid personal feelings for one’s target.

Training the subject is of course a must. One’s target must understand that there is punishment for displeasure and reward for pleasing you. Consider it like training a dog, only with less actual love. Useful information must always be rewarded, at least with kind words and a smile. Materials, which are more difficult to acquire, demand more gratification. This usually will mean sexual congress in some form. Colitis will require you to fake an impressive orgasm while hand jobs simply require tissues. Always remember to scale the sexual activity to the materials brought to you.

When the time comes to put one’s target down, don’t draw it out. A single bullet, fired at pointblank range behind the left ear directly into the brain will kill them without any fuss. Avoid dramatic gestures, never explain your plan, and if possible don’t let them see it coming. The quick kill is always preferred and will be appreciated.



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Tales I tell: Not the Hat

Did I ever tell you about the time I nearly shot the Queen of England? Not that I wanted to kill Queen Liz Two (Liz Harder) but what can I say, I was broke and they offered cash.

Now, I could have splattered Liz Harder’s brains all over Philip, which to be honest, was my plan at the time. The problem was, Liz Harder had this really ROCKIN’ hat. I mean, it was an A-Mazing hat. I came, just looking at the hat, the memory of this hat is giving me a stiffy right now. I couldn’t ruin that hat. NOT THAT HAT! So… I decided not to shoot her.

I didn’t get the money, and MI-5 still wants to have a long and drawn out conversation with me. Fortunately though, I was going about with a different name and identity at the time, and this was of course before that whole national manhunt because of the stolen plutonium thing. My point is that I got away in the end, but the people who asked me to kill her are rather miffed. The thing is, you wouldn’t thing a consortium of organic biscuit makers would…huh, he does make organic biscuits, doesn’t he?

Turkey? 3 hours, max

I must admit to you my dears, my darlings, there is one thing that deeply annoys me during the Thanksgiving mealtime area. They scoff, they look dumbfounded, some have actually asked if my mind has stopped working. Here is the one issue.

No one ever believes me when I tell them how long a turkey takes to cook.

Two and one half hours. It should take no longer than that. Three hours total. Ten minutes to get it out of the brine and into the oven, half an hour at 500, two hours at 350. Then you rest it for 20 minutes before eating. Three hours from the brine to the table. Crispy, crackling skin. succulent, juicy, flavorful meat. Along with gravy handed down by Louis Servan himself.

Add in stuffing (dressing really), cranberry sauce and whipped potatoes that I produce along with the abomination that is Green Bean Casserole. It’s an abomination because I cannot create this dish “properly” without the canned ingredients. And I cannot do without the thing because “We hath always done as such, and shall ever do as such, forevermore.”

POINT BEING!

I produce perfection. Perfection on a plate.

I keep hearing people tell me I’m crazy, that you cannot produce the whole of the meal in 3 hours. But then I also hear complaints that the turkey they allowed to cook for 9 hours was dry and had a taste somewhat reminiscent of library paste, only less flavorful. Cardboard was a word someone used this year. Then you have my turkey, which has brought strong men to tears of joy and was produced in a third of the time.

I’m not sorry to sound smug about this but... do you suppose it’s possible that I know how to cook turkey and you do not?

It’s not your fault. If you are Generation X, like myself, then you are greatly unraised and untutored. Our parents were never taught how to cook properly, because their parents were never really taught how to cook properly. We’re the third generation of a system that was dedicated to making sure we could not fish, so that the marketers could sell us a fish every day. Our grandmothers were handed recipes in advertisements, that used all the companies canned goods, loaded with sodium and garbage. Our mothers were then handed these useless bits of information, and did their best to hand them off to us. Yes, I know, one of you had a mother that could cook and a grandmother that knew what she was doing. You are, I’m sorry to say, a rarity in this world.

As a result, I will write you out my method for a perfect turkey... but not today. Today I’m feeling too smug, too full and too drunk to write anything with any alacrity. If alacrity is indeed the word I want. Jeeves would know.

Goddamn Quiche Goddamnit!

There is a book called Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche, and as far as I can tell, the contents are what it says on the cover. I don’t know if it’s meant as satire on the attitude that men don’t eat quiche, or if it really means it. I’ve never read it, and I’m not really interested, because we’re past that crap. Also, I read more satire before I was ten than most people read their whole lives. I know, it explains a lot.

Real Men are secure enough in their sexuality to eat whatever the hell they want. It’s the 400 pound gorilla issue really. Or, if I may get a bit True Scotsman on your ass, no Real Man would be afraid to eat quiche and pronounce it thus. Yeah, how do you like that? Now you gotta eat it or you’re a sissy little girl. Wait, that implies an insult to both sissies and little girls and I don’t want to limit my audience. Hmm, ah well, can’t worry about every damn thing. Let’s get to the quiche!

The thing is, quiche is actually pretty manly. It’s a pie, which is already 30-50 times more manly than cake. Second, it’s your whole breakfast in one bite. Done right, it should have egg, cheese, bacon, and ham in each and every mouthful. Yeah, we ain’t got time for sitting around breaking off bits of this and a corner of that WE IS MENS! We get the whole thing in each bite. It doesn’t fall apart, so you can eat it with your hands, and members of the advanced class can put raw steak in it. If quiche were any more manly, it would come with a cock!

Quiche is pretty simple really. What you need is three eggs and half a cup of cream. That’s it. That’s all. You can have a full cup cream or only two eggs, because personal preference comes fairly heavily into this. Personal preference can also come into dress as well. You can make your quiche while wearing a tutu, or a heavy camo army jacket. Advanced class members may wear both, but only if you also wear combat boots and a tiara. For my quiche though, it’s three eggs, one half cup cream. Your pie crust, amounts of filling, and how runny or firm you like things is going to have an effect on everything in this recipe, so experiment.

Eggs are cheap, cream is pretty cheap and you can use milk if you want. But I’m not just talking about eggs here. Buy some silk panties your size, wear a tank top, listen to Wagner, date someone of a variety you’d never thought to date before. Go out with people of both genders and all races, give everything a try. Drink heavily, at least once, just so you know what a hangover feels like. Go dancing until dawn and watch the sun come up while listening to soft Elizabethan music. Add pointless examples to a recipe to pad out your paragraphs. See what works for you, then do that. In all things.

For filling, the recipe is going to call for one thing and I’m going to tell you another. What I’m going to tell you here, between us, is that anything cooked can be used. Whatever leftovers are in the fridge can be used, from hash browned potatoes to that chicken chow mein from the other night. I suppose some raw things like celery or lettuce can be put in, but I’d feel more comfortable if you cooked them first. It’s going to end up cooked no matter what, but yeah, I’d cook things. The only thing you need to make sure of is that it’ll fit your pie crust before you begin. If you don’t know, then use the original method for pouring and filling described below.

Speaking of pie crusts, you can buy ready made from your grocer’s freezer. Here’s the really cool part about this... no one is ever going to know. Yeah, there are some things that are special and you want to do those things right, but this isn’t one of them. This is an egg and bacon pie. Just get a ready to bake crust and use that. Usually, the ones I buy come in pairs, so I always make two quiches at a go. You can bake them before hand, just to make them nice and crispy, or not. I’ve tried it both ways, and I’ve still not made my mind up. The pros say you should bake the crust before hand, which means beans or weights, or trying to gently flatten the crust when it tries to rise a bit.

Now my basic quiche is a ham and spinach number. I’m not a big fan of gruyere, so I used cheddar and parmesan. You know what you like? Get that. If you don’t know what you like, try everything. Actually try everything anyway. You want to be a person? You gotta try stuff, otherwise you’re just another useless lump of half-evolved non-humanity. Ain’t got time for that shit. Ain’t nobody got time for that shit. I get some finely diced ham, about ¾ of a cup, ¼ a pound of bacon, one clove of garlic, half a yellow onion, and a big handful of spinach that you’ve sliced. Now, what you want to do is slice everything small and put it in a frying pan. Bacon first, ham second, garlic third, onion fourth, spinach last. Now of course, when I make it, I double these amounts because of the two pie pans, so keep that in mind if you have two. Make sure the bacon is cooked before throwing in the ham, make sure the ham is browned before adding the garlic and onions, and let them sit for a little while before adding the spinach. Now remember, the spinach is going to look like a big old mess, but it will reduce in size with the heat. Just give it a tossing around until it wilts down and becomes manageable. This will all be fairly quick. When the filling is done, take it off the heat, maybe drain it if you don’t want to die of cholesterol poisoning, and set it aside. You have to let it get cool, or you will ruin everything and I will despise you.

Now comes the eggs! Put the eggs and milk into a bowl, add some seasoning if you desire. A bit of salt and pepper are fine, chives are nice, just make sure anything you add is chopped very small or is dried and crumbles well. Get yourself a whisk and do what a whisk was born to do. You don’t need to get it foamy or anything, just mixed up nicely will do. Now this is the unorthodox bit. Most the recipes for quiche I’ve seen have said you should arrange the ingredients on the crust and then pour the mixture over them. That’s the traditional way and you can have it if you want it. Here is a method I’ve used to some success though. You know that stuff we made a little while ago and put aside? I bet it’s cool enough not to cook the eggs right away. Let’s put it in the egg mix, with the cheese and then mix it all up before pouring it into the pie crust. This will ensure everything is held together by the egg and it won’t fall apart too much on the fork. However, if you’re interested in presentation, layering looks better. Really though, that’s not important. WE IS MENS!

What is important is that you remember to cook the quiche properly. Here is what I’ve found works best for me. I put it in a 475° oven, which I drop to 350° after about 5 minutes. Then I leave it for about 30 minutes, checking on it every ten minutes after that. When done right, the top should be set, but if you jiggle the pan you should see just a little bit of wiggling in the center. Not a lot of wiggling mind you, just a little. At that point remove from oven and let it sit for about fifteen minutes to firm up before cutting into it.

Now, here’s the thing, that is a hell of a lot of quiche. I mean, a lot of quiche. Even I can’t eat all of that quiche and I AM A MAN! So here’s what you do. Cut it into quarters, wrap each quarter in foil, put it in a ziplock bag and put it in the freezer. This will ensure that shame does not fall upon your house and you won’t be forced to commit seppuku when the shogun shows up and asks for some quiche. The Shogun is an inveterate quiche bum. He never has any himself, and always wants some of yours when he shows up. But he can order you to commit ritual suicide. So... you know... have some on hand. When you want some, you can either microwave it, or put in the oven at about 350 for fifteen to twenty minutes. If you put it in the oven, let it thaw first, or it’ll get weird. Don’t let things get weird, don’t do that to me.



Let’s get something we can put on a printable card

For Quiche
2 ready made pie crusts
6 Eggs
1 cup cream
½ cup grated parmesan
½ cup cheddar

For filling
1 ½ cup diced ham
½ pound thick cut bacon
2 cloves of garlic
1 yellow onion (diced)
2 cups Spinach (roughly cut)


Cook all the pie filling together in a pan. Set aside and allow to cool. In medium bowl, whisk the eggs and cream together. Add the cheese and filling, continue to mix with a spoon, spatula, or food safe sex toy. Pour mixture into pie pans evenly, then place in a 475° oven. After 5 minutes, lower temperature to 350° and continue baking for about 30 minutes or until quiche is set with a bit of wiggle in the center. Allow to cool for 15 minutes before serving.

Serves 8, but stores well and can be enjoyed later.

What I sometimes can’t say

I want to know about you, all about you.

I want to know where you’ve been, who you’ve been with, and what you’ve done.

I want to know about your former and current lovers, because it informs me more about you.

I want to know all about you, because I am deeply and irrevocably interested in you.

I want to share things with you, I want to show you things.

I want to be part of you, and for you to be part of me.

I want us to always want to be together, and to know we need to be apart.

I want to connect with you, separate from you, and then reconnect in different ways.

I would like to relate to you, and have you relate to me.


...

And, I would like us to fuck like methed up monkeys.